Zork 4 - Conquest at Quendor

Usually, it’s painfully obvious when it’s time to put a series down. This series was no exception.

During a baseball game, our heroes Bill and June find themselves snatched up by a giant “hand-cloud” and deposited in a musty dungeon in Zork. Apparently by the hand of Grawl, a warlock whose curse they undid in the previous book (but who was only actually seen if he killed them). In the process of saving them, Syovar’s seriously wounded by Grawl. And right before he was set to negotiate peace between two hostile neighbors.

  

And it seems that was the whole goal of the cat-snake thing on the cover, some kind of demon/spirit/whatever named Jeearr, who thrives on chaos and death. Not that our heroes are totally out of options: if the kids can find the legendary Helm of Zork, which can turn anyone into anyone and resist even the strongest attempts at magical unmasking, someone could go to the peace talks in Syovar’s place.

The plot isn’t that good or bad compared to the rest of the series or even fantasy gamebooks to come out of the 80’s in general, but its use of a certain plot device is. Jeearr pops in and out all the time throughout the search for the Helm, rattling off a dumb little poem that will tell Bivotar and Juranda what to do. Like the first time you see him, Bivotar gets stung by a scorpion. There’s a box of scorpion sting antidote right there, but it’s locked (and clearly marked as being fragile). Jeearr helpfully informs you “Bivotar will be dead soon, unless he finds the silver spoon.” You have two options, looking through some straw for a solution or busting the box open with a rock. Guess which one’s right.

And it goes on like this. You’re confronted by a giant dog. “You will always be a winner if you give a puppy dog his dinner.” So we should throw the handy hunk of meat to the dog, or try to sneak past the giant, angry guard dog? When the kids ask their friends about Jeearr and why he’d do this, nobody’s sure, but “Perhaps it hopes to confuse you.” Look, you know why the Riddler’s the joke of Batman’s rogues gallery? Yeah, you do. Because he sabotages his own career. And that’s the villain we’re given to finish out the series. The riddles aren’t even that…riddle-y. They’re just the answer set in rhyme.

I know a lot of people complain about the insane logic needed to solve puzzles in 80’s adventure games, but having the answers whispered right in your ear is even worse. And these books have that feature where you can track back to the decision where you died and try again already.

Looks like it's time to try again. Again.

And while I’ve never shut up about how the other books in the series had inane choices at the beginning about whether you should go on the adventure or not, this one has inane choices at the end.

When you set out to find the Helm of Zork, you’re given a magic bead that’ll teleport you back to Syovar’s castle when you break it. Okay. You’ve found the Helm. The tower you’re in’s about to collapse. You’re asked whether you want to teleport back. Knowing that if you stay you’ll die, and having found the magic item this whole quest was about. Yes, let’s stay.

Then once you get back safely, it turns out Syovar’s taken a turn for the worse while you were gone. The royal alchemists have come up with an experimental treatment that could save him, or it could kill him itself. The thing is, if he doesn’t get some kind of miracle cure--and this is the only one available--he’ll definitely die. Why’s that even a decision? The author might as well ask if you want full victory or pyrrhic victory instead.

Don't you guys look inordinately proud of yourselves.

And on top of all that, the cheater trap’s supposed to put you in an infinite loop but you actually get to continue on with the adventure.

The puzzles and the writing are about the same as they were in the books leading up to this, but dragged way the heck down by the rest of the creative decisions listed above.

Yes, it was definitely time to put this one to bed.

Zork 3 - The Cavern of Doom

Despite their promise not to stay away quite so long at the end of their last quest to save Zork, it’s been two months since Bill and June smashed the wicked ambitions of Malifestro. They end up in Zork again by accident when trying to save their magic ring from rolling off a cliff, where they learn from their “uncle” that numerous brave adventurers have gone missing in a recently discovered network of caverns.

And no, the first decision of the book isn’t whether to accept the quest or not. That’s the first decision that has any bearing on the plot. The first decision is what the kids want to do on their first day back in Zork, but they end up listening to Syovar’s stories no matter what you pick. Because they feel bad for not doing what poor old uncle Syovar wanted to do. I’m sorry, I just don’t get how Bill and June become people with lives and relatives in Zork whenever they put on the ring, and why I should act as if Syovar’s related to my avatar(s). Even the book describes him as “uncle” in quotations when mentioning him before they travel to Zork.

Oh yeah, the plot. After not deciding to put the book away before the adventure even starts, Bivotar and Juranda are allowed to enter the caverns to go looking for all the missing explorers. And Max and Fred from the last book, because they were such funny and endearing companions, right? (No, they weren’t)

What this means is even more than in the first book, the adventure is devoted to the kids bumping around in caves, interacting with random things they come across and occasionally finding something that will help them on their quest. Not to mention often meeting one of numerous grisly deaths.

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I know this is based on an ancient computer game, but I really must protest that I don’t enjoy games where I’m just wandering around in a nondescript cave where things happen with no rhyme or reason. That The Cavern of Doom puts even more emphasis on this than The Forces of Krill is the book’s first major problem.

For all the book's faults, this is a pretty darn impressive picture.

Then there’s the grisly deaths. Looking back, I have no idea how I didn’t have nightmares reading this book as a kid. Besides the various endings where the kids are eaten alive by Grues for wandering around menacing caves without light, there’s the one where they accidentally enter a crematorium and are burned alive by insane robots. Let’s have an ending where a pair of adolescents are jammed in an incinerator. That’s okay for young readers, right?

Instead of being required to find just one item like other books in the series, getting through The Cavern of Doom requires several. I personally liked this, as I thought it helped this feel more like an actual quest game, and made the puzzles feel less like a constant stream of “which tunnel’s less likely to have something that’ll kill me?” This doesn’t change the fact that most of the stuff down there doesn’t make much sense (if the dragon’s been guarding that tunnel for hundreds of years, how did all the explorers get past him?). Also the puzzles feel inconsistent at times. One requires finding several gems to bribe someone, and so an ending where you’re killed for trying to claim a treasure chest feels like a cop-out. Oh, you wanted me to do that before but not now, huh? Okay.

I will say this about the book, unlike the two preceding it the kids don’t go through hell and back just to have Syovar fight the main bad guy for them. Still, it’s too little, too late.

Zork 2: The Malifestro Quest

All is not well in suburbia!

It’s been a while since Bill and June helped their “uncle” Syovar save the magical realm of Zork from evil and returned to their humdrum lives in Anytown, USA. After sharing a nightmare about Syovar being tortured, however, the kids decide to use the magic ring their beloved “uncle” gave them to warp back to Zork. Once they’ve arrived and turned back into Bivotar and Juranda, they find out from a pair of annoying elves that a brand new all-powerful evil wizard, Malifestro, has kidnapped Syovar. The knights who went to save him haven’t returned and without them Zork is overrun with thieves and bureaucrats. Sounds like a job for a pair of adventure gamers!

Unlike the first book in the series, which was memorable mainly for its mechanics, the experience of reading through The Malifestro Quest is likely to stick with you for a while after reading it. Mind you, that’s not necessarily a good thing. Perhaps the most memorable things are Max and Fred, the elves. Why was everything in the 80’s produced for kids so convinced that having a cutesy but useless sidekick or two would make it more appealing? Listening to those two short people argue isn’t cute or amusing. Lucky for us, Meretzky seemed to realize how endearing Max and Fred actually were, and shortly after the adventure proper begins, they’re ditched until almost the end of the book.

Just who I want at my side on a harrowing quest.

Speaking of the beginning of the adventure, the first choice isn’t whether to accept the quest or not. No, the author held off on that until the second choice, and choosing wrong at the first one will just get our heroes sent off this mortal coil that much sooner. And if having another "do you go on the adventure" choice wasn't bad enough (it was) there’s a choice regarding whether to bail out, ignoring all the dangers you already passed, or continue the quest when you finally get within striking distance of Malifestro’s castle. Thank you kindly Mr. Meretzky, but if we get bored we can just close the book and put it away without you giving us the option.

What really makes the book more memorable than The Forces of Krill is that a sense of humor is much more in evidence. For one thing, Bivotar decides to grab a book on exorcism just on the hunch that it might come in handy, sounding exactly like someone playing an adventure game. In one ending he also learns the hard way that these games want you to take the intellectual path whenever one presents itself.

Watch out! A kid with a weapon he can barely lift!

You’ll meet Walter Smith, Cyclops. And there really is a dangerous bureaucrat in this book, no fooling.

The book’s still pretty simple and won’t pose any great challenge to people who remember the adventure gamer’s credo of investigate everything and take everything that’s not nailed down. Especially as the do-over feature is in place again and will be for the rest of the series. There isn’t even a cheater trap that doesn’t let you try again.

The Malifestro Quest is without a doubt a better book than its predecessor, but not quite enough to move up to the next level. It is, however, probably the only Zork book where you’ll die on purpose a few times looking for another humorous ending.

Zork 1: The Forces of Krill

It’s a fine day in May, and adventurous types Bill and June are considering what to do with their afternoon, only to come to the numbing realization that their old activities just aren’t exciting anymore. Lucky for them they discover an elvish sword of great antiquity sitting behind a random bush next to their school, and as soon as they touch it, they’re whisked away to a world of wizards and dragons. Here everyone thinks they’re Juranda and Bivotar, niece and nephew of the hero Syovar.

There are four books in the series and none of them even try to explain how that works.

The kids learn Syovar is at war with the monstrous legions of the evil wizard Krill. Unfortunately, things look grim even for a hero like Syovar. If only some brave soul could find the three magic palantirs of legend, there might be some hope for the kingdom…

Bet you were expecting a joke about the krill whales eat. Happy to disappoint you.

Time for a confession: I’ve only ever played one Zork game, and that’s Return to Zork. I play all kinds of abandonware adventure titles, but for some reason text adventures just don’t do it for me. So I’ve heard of Grues and Flood Control Dam #3, but that’s about it. If you’re hoping for comparisons to the games, I’m afraid you’re out of luck. But hey, I thought enough of RtZ to write a walkthrough for it. That must be worth something, right?

The Forces of Krill isn’t a bad piece of interactive reading, but it suffers for including something that no writer should’ve ever gone ahead with in the first place: the first choice is basically whether you want to go on the adventure or not. Not the joking “do you buy this book or go home and watch stupid reruns” one, the “do you pick up the magic sword or pretend you didn’t see it and go home” one. Zork isn’t the only series that did it, and The Forces of Krill isn’t the only Zork book that did it. Yeah, I spent money on this book so I could refuse to read it. Thanks for giving me the option.

That's right, go on. We won't have fun vanquishing evil without you, promise.

Should you actually bail on the book that early, you might stick with it long enough to find out you got a score of 0 out of 10. The book does this with all the endings (except the one where it tries to catch you cheating), giving you a rough measure of how far you made it before getting whacked. It also gives you the option of going back and picking another option if you didn’t get to the one victory. That’s an interesting touch considering how unforgiving adventure games of the 80’s tended to be, but it also strips the book of all challenge if you get walked back to the exact spot where you died to try again.

The writing isn’t bad, but not much of it jumps out at the reader. One of the few exceptions is when the time comes to use the sole inventory item you’re asked to find. Bivotar gets all excited, “Hey, remember that key we found in that extremely random and weird place?! I bet it unlocks this trapdoor we just found!” One might think he’s an adventure gamer back home.

It may well have been in the style of the games, but really the most memorable things about the book were the score, the do-over feature, and being asked to find items in a gamebook without stats or dice. The mechanics being memorable might be okay in a videogame, but this is not, in fact, a videogame.