Filmation’s Ghostbusters #1

As painful an admission as it may be for some of us, Pete, Ray and Egon weren’t the original Ghostbusters. In 1975, Filmation, the company best known for being behind the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe cartoon, released a comedy show about a pair of detectives and their gorilla who were sent after a different ghost in every episode. The result was a glacially-paced show that relied on lame puns and tired slapstick for its laughs, and the detectives were played by those two guys from F-Troop. Unsurprisingly only a single season of 15 episodes was made.

Although this might be a step up from The Crawling Eye.

Of course in 1984 a certain spooky comedy came out and busting ghosts was hip all of a sudden. Since they had a property called “The Ghost Busters” out first, Filmation was able to make a cartoon revival of their original show, starring Jake and Eddie, the grown sons of the original detectives. Most of their adventures had them battling the unimaginatively named villainous ghost, Prime Evil. This more than anything else is probably why the cartoon based on the movie was called The Real Ghostbusters.

But as you’ll remember if you were around back then, the movie property was huge, and to get a piece of the action Filmation had to pull out all the stops. Like getting a tie-in comic book. Not just a comic book either, an interactive comic book. And to release the first issue as a Halloween special, just when kids are thinking about ghosts and goblins.

So why am I not saving this for an October post, you ask? Because they didn’t save it for an October release, that’s why.

We open on the Ghostbusters’ office where pudgy, scaredy cat (boy is he in the wrong line of work) comic relief Eddie is trying on costumes before they go to a Halloween party (why’s everybody else wearing a normal outfit?). You wouldn’t think this would be something that would excite them, since ghosts are kind of their job. Heck, I don’t even know why they’d be planning anything social on Halloween. Not only would you assume that’s when the most ghosts are out, it was a plot point not only in this comic but an episode of the show too. And yes, I’m pathetic for knowing that.

Cleverly-named time-traveling sorceress Futura pops in then because…the story about to be unveiled involves time travel and she’d be handy to have around. Also along for the ride for some reason is intrepid female journalist Jessica Wray.

Because in the future they've solved racial differences by painting everyone purple.

Since Eddie can’t make up his mind what costume to wear, the comic asks you to help sort things out. That is, by presenting a picture of Eddie in his underwear and asking you to draw a costume on top of it.

Let’s just skip to the “plot,” which has Prime Evil traveling back in time to some nebulous medieval kingdom to enlist all the ghosts running amok there on Halloween. He sends Mysteria, one of the ghosts already working for him, to put out fires around the local castle to ward off the ghosts. Because that’s easier than having her make a circuit around the castle and pick up the ghosts that can’t get through because of those fires? If ghosts can put out the fires, how are the fires supposed to keep them away in the first place?

By the way, this comic spells her name with a Y, but considering the show calls her “mistress of mists,” I’m spelling it with an I. If Filmation doesn’t like it they can send me a letter.

A magician sees what they’re up to and runs back to the castle to warn the king, zapping ghosts in half with his wand on the way. Gee, that looks kind of lethal.

When said magician, who’s named Morton, tries to think of what he can do about Prime Evil he remembers how the original Ghostbusters saved the kingdom from a dragon once. This is picking nits, I admit, but that’s kind of a stretch considering Filmation was infamous for doing everything it possibly could to keep costs down. Every episode of the original show took place in the same haunted castle to save on things like time travel effects and new sets.

Ha...ha.

But whatever. After several unsuccessful (and unfunny) attempts to remember what it is future people use to talk to each other over long distances, Morton calls the current Ghostbusters just as Jake’s given up on the costume thing and is just mocking Eddie.

After agreeing to help, Jake has the others get a file from a living, smartass filing cabinet (which believe it or not was a running gag on the original show, which believe it or not they apparently thought was so funny it was worth bringing back). This explains the whole building fires to repel ghosts on Halloween thing, but since this show just made things up as it went along (I once read an interview with Jake’s voice actor who said the show didn’t even have a writer’s bible) I don’t feel compelled to find out if this used to be an actual Halloween ritual. Let’s move on to that tried-and-true time-consuming device, the transformation sequence.

Like on He-Man, almost every episode involved the heroes changing from their regular look to one more suited to fighting bad guys. Unlike in He-Man where the transformation gave him a tan and super-powers, in this cartoon it just involved them changing their clothes in this insanely elaborate machine in some kind of parallel dimension in the upper floors of their house.

If you think it sounds ridiculous, you should try watching it. When nothing was edited out, it could run for an entire minute and a half. On a show that, counting opening, end credits, and post-episode sermonette, ran for about 22 and a half minutes.

The comic actually skips over this part and gets straight to the Ghostbusters riding their talking car into the past, which leads into the next activity. It’s a maze through time, and warns you not to screw up or the Ghostbusters will show up too late to help. Even though they’re time traveling.

Presumably helping the busters to arrive in time, they find Misteria menacing a couple of knights as they build a fire. They distract her by having Jessica disguise herself as Misteria, distracting her long enough to be zapped by their Dematerializer gun. Which does exactly what it says, and makes the ghost disappear…for a while. So the writers can have them be back whenever a script might call for them. Suppose it's just as well they don't actually appear to be running a business. The grateful knights direct them to the castle on top of a giant hill and the busters ride off, right onto the next activity page. Which is the easiest hidden object puzzle in the world.

Good thing you were here, Gomez. We woulda never found it without you.

Prime Evil sees that the busters have come back in time to spoil his fun, and sends another of his ghosts, Sir Trance-a-Lot, to deal with them, and issues a strangely graphic threat for a comic meant for little kids.

Once they’ve gotten past the easiest hidden object puzzle in the world, the busters explain they’re not the ones Morton called for, since their dads have retired (because time’s continuous even when you’re doing something across time, apparently) then head up to his workshop to find something to use to get rid of Prime Evil. Witness Jessica’s hypocrisy, or perhaps just acknowledgement that even they don’t know why they let Eddie save the world with them.

Jessica finds a spell book with a spell to get rid of ghosts, but for some reason the words are in code and the spell has to be cast right after it’s decoded or it won’t be powerful enough to get rid of Prime Evil. Not sure how that works, since the show was actually fairly consistent about how magic works (in that magicians just learn how to channel the energy without words), but then we needed yet another activity page for some reason.

Sir Trance-a-Lot rides up the castle, so Jake has the princesses (and Eddie in a dress) distract him so their gorilla buddy can zap him with the Dematerializer. As opposed to hiding behind a corner and zapping him as soon as he comes into sight.

Not sure why this rigamarole was needed except to kill a page and a half, considering that when Morton casts the spell it makes all the ghosts, even the building Prime Evil lives in, disappear.

With the ghosts vanquished the kingdom gets to have its Halloween party after all. And Eddie’s still in a dress for some reason even though Jake changed into a Robin Hood outfit for the occasion. And the girls want to leave right as things are getting started. Women, huh?

Another activity page, but with no effort to connect it with the story. Just a word find and how to draw half of Prime Evil’s face.

 
Then there’s the answer pages to the other games, and then six pages about how you can draw the characters from the show. As if anybody in the show’s demographic has that kind of attention span.

Southern Knights #34

In the early 80’s there was an explosion of black-and-white comic books cranked out by  anyone who thought they had a good idea for a story and the phone number of a publisher. Arguably one of the more unusual products of this inundation was Southern Knights (The Crusaders until Archie threatened to sue), about a superhero team operating out of Atlanta.

Unusual, because in a flood of ridiculously transparent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles knock-offs and comics that thought the key to their success was pushing racy imagery and hard language, it tried to get on the bandwagon while staying true to old-fashioned heroic ideals. To be a light, optimistic superhero saga in a corner of its medium infested by the darker side of human nature. To be dramatic while still having a sense of humor about itself.

 
Unfortunately it wasn’t produced by talent who could actually create sophisticated characters, be funny or deliver evocative themes. Perhaps worst of all, it fell into one of the most common of Suefic traps where the author's favored characters could do no wrong in his eyes. Anyone with any grievance against them was evil and/or a petty jerk. And the Knights usually weren't afraid to let them (and us) know it.

While the book had a certain appeal because of trying to break away from its B&W brethren, the creators seemed to think they were being more witty than the actual comic would indicate. For what it’s worth the gap between imagined and actual wittiness wasn’t as wide as in the same people’s X-Thieves.

Originally titled Henry Vogel Hates the IRS. With Aliens.

But once again I must be the only guy on the planet who doesn’t get it, because Southern Knights managed to run for the better part of a decade. And at the end of their run the characters had a multi-issue crossover with the Champions comic where they battled the goddess Morrigan through time and space. Which Heroic Publishing is releasing in full color, should you be interested.

The Knights are Electrode, a scientist who’s a huge comic book fan and gave himself powers so he could be a superhero too; Kristin Austin, a blonde bombshell with super-strength and a typical brash personality; Connie Ronnin, an Olympic fencer whose power is a “psychic sword” that stuns her opponents rather than killing them; Mark Dagon, actually a centuries-old dragon who can assume human form; and Aramis Merrow, a teenage wizard from the days of the Salem witch trials who the Knights accidentally woke up when they moved into his old house. Which isn't to say familiarity with their roster makes all that much difference in this particular comic.

Like issue number one of Champions, the inside cover has an editorial that caught my eye. This one’s by Henry Vogel, the writer, and it’s about the nature of money, and how people like comic book writers would be asked to contribute to the good of the governing body if there was no such thing as money to tax.

Click on it.

Now, I’m not much of a philosopher, but if that’s Henry Vogel’s idea of deep thinking, perhaps it’s not so surprising the comics he wrote regularly had trouble delivering satisfying payoffs. Like, if we'd never moved past the barter system, what makes him so sure there'd be such thing as an independent comic book industry? Or maybe it's just that it's coming from a guy who at the time was making his living bitching about things he didn't like via the stories he wrote.

The issue opens on Peggy, Electrode’s girlfriend, enjoying her eggnog a bit too much and being put to bed (and yes, Icestar hit on her).

Right then a short guy in a trench coat knocks on the door and says he’s from the CIA. “The fatman” wants to meet them, apparently.

Car broke, phone yes?

After a limo ride they find themselves outside Santa’s workshop. The guy in the coat’s an elf, and he really is with the CIA. The Christmas Intelligence Agency. And he has to go check the nice/naughty list thrice because everything’s done in triplicate these days. Wow, that’s…really amusing that even Santa’s all bureaucratic.

For more hilarity Santa doesn’t know the elves actually factory-order all the toys they send out. They even have one of those rooms that flips around to look like an old toy workshop when the guy watching the door warns them Santa’s coming. Where they make it look like they build computers and Nintendos out of wood. What the hell…? It’s weird and unexpected, but it’s not funny. Which I’m pretty sure was what they were going for.

But why has Santa dragged the Knights all the way to the North Pole when there’s all kinds of crime they could be preventing, you ask. He’s too sick to make his annual run, and needs them to make the toy deliveries for him. The reindeer have caught his bug, too. The reindeer who are up and about, playing poker and smoking cigars.

The only replacement for the reindeer Santa could think of on such short notice was Dragon. And Kristin has to wear the suit and beard because Santa’s bag is pretty heavy.

Since the others are there already, Santa makes them go too. And they also have to dress up. And for some reason, the reserved Connie has to dress like a stripper at a rich office Christmas party. Gee, if only this comic had been published in the 50’s, that might’ve been fresh and humorous.

 

And Dragon refuses to wear the fake antlers. False advertising!

Now that we’ve spent TWELVE of this issue’s TWENTY-TWO pages on boring non-humor, could something actually happen now? Well, something does. They get caught by a kid waiting up to see Santa, scold and send him to bed. And the head elf sent along to give them pointers keeps chewing them out and forcing Kristin to eat the cookies left out for Santa.

How do the Knights take this criticism? Kristin threatens to punch him in the mouth if he doesn’t shut up. Which is in the vein of how they usually respond to people they don’t like.

 
And rather than being immature and the kind of thing that has people picketing outside their headquarters, I’m pretty sure we’re meant to see the Knights as heroes who aren’t afraid to tell stuffed shirts where they can stick it. As interviewer Julie Woodcock (another writer for the same company) said about the writer, “he makes very sharp and funny attacks on whatever authority figure offends him.”

It's all in here. Check it out.

Could the elf have been nicer? Probably. Was he teaching a bunch of greenhorns how to do Santa’s job on the night his operation prepares for all year? Definitely. Would tempers perhaps be running a little high as he tried to make sure they didn’t ruin an entire year of work? Likely. As superheroes who routinely take it upon themselves to protect others’ property and lives, shouldn’t the Knights be striving to do the best job they possibly can? Especially tonight, when they’re rewarding kids for trying to grow up into productive members of society? Yes, they should. Cry me a river, Kristin.

But wait, could it be…? Yes, it’s the Grinch, come to steal all the Christmas presents! Does Geisel’s estate know about this comic?

Are we sure that's not Pitch?

Realizing the Grinch has been following them around and stealing the toys they’ve been leaving, they leave the toy sack out on a roof, hide inside (because it’s the TARDIS), and grab him when he comes close enough.

They find out the reason the Grinch steals presents is he doesn’t have any friends and if he’s going to have a miserable Christmas, he wants everyone else to have one too. And wouldn’t you know it, the super-critical elf Kristin threatened to flatten like a pancake is only like that because he’s never known true friendship either! That somehow makes him and the Grinch kindred spirits! Two birds with one stone! Forever!

And pay no attention to Kristin saying he was going to be the Grinch’s friend whether he liked it or not! It’s Christmas magic!

I really like How the Grinch Stole Christmas and think people could stand to watch it and actually WATCH it, if you get what I’m saying. Despite having the same villain, however, I don’t get any Christmas spirit off of this comic. I only see a bunch of people who want to go home seizing a convenient opportunity to get rid of two annoyances at once. After all, several of the Knights had to be guilted into their roles with “think of the children!”

I know this comic’s trying to be fun, but when you’re writing something, especially when you use it as a mouthpiece, you really want us to sympathize with your chosen characters. And when a team of superheroes, one trying to be positive and upbeat when most indie books weren’t, seems resentful for being asked to help Christmas come off smoothly, well I don’t feel like they deserve my sympathy. Not unless they learn they were wrong in doing so, and threatening to unleash your super-strength on someone who gets on your nerves isn’t learning you were wrong.

The humor of this comic is so misguided they actually thought the Christmas Intelligence Agency bit was worth coming back to one more time. Unbelievable.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of little kids?

The final insult comes when everybody’s so tired from saving Christmas they all fall asleep in the living room. Electrode’s girlfriend, not finding anyone in their beds, assumes everyone got up early and wakes them up by enthusing about all the things they get to do now that it’s Christmas day. Those poor guys, they saved Christmas and they didn’t even get to sleep in! And if they weren’t superheroes and the jokes were funny I might feel sorry for them!

There’s a good reason I attempt humor so rarely in my stories. I suck at it.

Southern Knights and X-Thieves, not to mention League of Champions, can be bought in eBook format from Wowio

Champions Annual #1

For being such good kids, here’s the mind-boggling origin of Giant!

The comic opens on the excavation of a strangely Grecian temple in the middle of the Egyptian desert. A rat-faced man, cleverly named Ratte, is whipping some workers as they open up a tomb in the middle of the ruins. William Johnson, your standard square-jawed rugged type, tells him to stop abusing the workers after the ropes holding the cover slab break and he gets even nastier.

Melissa D’Arque, the head of the expedition, shows up to settle the dispute and sides with Johnson. Only partially because he’s her boyfriend.

They descend into the tomb that night, which is exactly when Ratte and some goons raid the temple and seal the tomb with dynamite to keep whatever’s down there, down there. So he was part of the expedition intending to sabotage it from with in. If his behavior today was normal, though, he’s only got himself to thank for failing.

Trapped down in the tomb, Will and Melissa find themselves in the resting place of Persephone. They read a story depicted on the walls of how Persephone, queen of the dead in Greek mythology, was possessed by a demon of malice and stole the immortality of her fellow gods, just as Zeus had stolen it from his father who’d stolen it from his father.


“What’s important is the fact that her captors would have come so far from Greece and gone to this much effort to entomb her,” exposits Melissa. We at least find out the answer to the second part when Melissa touches the black diamond on the woman’s head: she’s still alive and takes over Melissa’s body.

To have the power to escape she sucks the life out of Will with a kiss, then blasts out of the tomb and once free decides to name herself Dark Malice.

Zeus appears to the nearly dead Will, telling him that a harness also contained in the tomb was created to give birth to a champion in case the demon-possessed Persephone ever escaped.

Will puts on the harness and finds out it not only restores but vastly enhances his strength, allowing him to fight off a group of skeletal warriors who show up just so we can see him in action. It even lets him enlarge himself, heal quickly and summon divine lightning. But Zeus warns that if he stays big for too long it’ll burn him out.

 

After explaining all this and supplying a two-toned costume Zeus disappears, leaving William Johnson to discover what it means to be a champion on his own.

So we have William Johnson, whose daughter married James Jensen. The creativity just blows your mind, doesn’t it?

There’s an interlude by writer Dennis Malonee explaining that a true understanding of contemporary events comes from an understanding of the historical events that led up to them.

No, it didn’t, and even people who only read the summation on this blog wouldn’t have thought there was no prior history to those characters and their world.

Yet nowhere in the twenty-six pages it took to tell that story did it answer some big questions.  Why was Persephone entombed in Egypt? Too much life in Greece that she might absorb it and escape? Why the elaborate temple covering the place, allowing people to discover her tomb, if the idea was to trap her? Why couldn’t Zeus take back the gods’ immortality if he could defeat and capture Persephone? Especially when he did it to Cronus already. And why devote space that could’ve answered those questions to Zeus explaining the powers of Giant? Both when he leaves our hero to figure things out for himself and when Giant’s one of the least featured of any hero in the company’s stable.

See, after the original miniseries ended the guys who wrote the comic went into business for themselves and published a monthly book about the surviving Champions. Giant didn’t appear again until they did an arc where he finally fulfilled his duty of dealing with Dark Malice, and was subsequently written out of their main universe because he’d done what he was created to do. They’ve revived the character in the 21st century via the previous Giant’s adolescent son, Billy, and are trying to make more use of him, but we’re talking about when the year was 1988.

There are two more features in this issue, the first being a backup story where Malice finds Ratte and gets even with him for trapping Melissa in the tomb by pulling his face off and decrying other divinities. ‘Cuz she’s evil like that. Seriously, the whole point of the backup story seems to be establishing that yep, she’s evil.

What's wrong with your faaaace?

So...she's evil?

The rest is profiles of major villains from the ongoing Champions series, but if those were put up now it wouldn’t make any sense to anyone who hasn't already read these comics.

For now let’s just close the book on a comic that took fifty-two pages and told us practically nothing that hadn’t been told already.

Then again, maybe it’s a good thing we saw so little of Giant.