Breaking Down, Book Two: Jacob, Chapter 14 - 18

Chapter 14 - You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude to Vampires

* Aren’t those Cullens great?!

* Jacob gets back from running the perimeter, and “Someone had laid out clothes. Huh. Edward must have caught my moment of irritation as I’d bolted out the door. Well. That was…nice. And weird.” That the unfathomably wealthy white people dipped into some of their unfathomable wealth to make sure he’s not walking around with his dork hanging out? When he’s supposed to be helping Bella be as un-upset as possible?

Also, do the description of Jacob’s borrowed clothes, and who they probably belong to, merit an entire paragraph? Seven whole sentences?

Gah, these books are stupid.

* I almost want to say Steph really was finally wising up to how dumb her story her was by this point, when Jacob goes inside and sees Bella wrapped up in so many blankets she looked like a giant burrito.

I almost want to say that.

* He’s unsure of why she looks so happy to see him. “Happily married, too--there was no question that she was in love with her vampire past the boundaries of sanity.” Or maybe she was just insane, and it happened to manifest in an obsession with some perfect pretty boy. SDT, Meyer. Don’t try to hide behind your guidebook when you can’t be bothered to show something this integral to the plot in all the space you gave yourself.

* Also, “It bugged me a little, but for no good reason,” that Edward was able to pick up on Jacob’s thoughts that no attack is forthcoming even though Jake was about three miles out.

I know, I know, what Jacob probably meant by it is he’s not sure how to feel about Edward saying his thoughts are easier to pick up on because Edward’s getting more familiar with Jacob. Of course what it sounds like is how far-reaching Edward’s ability to be totally invasive is, and Jacob not being able to come up with a reason to be repulsed by the notion. That would make all the breaking and entering seem less romantic, doncha know.

* Edward tells Jacob that Bella’s upset to see him and his pack “all so…bereft.” Because it’s not like everybody in the world has their choice of loving homes with people willing to see to their every single need like she does…

* The topic of meals comes up, and Edward points out “Well, we do have normal human food here, Jacob. Keeping up appearances,” and that’s where I’m going to cut him off. Nobody comes to their house. Part of the reason the graduation party was such a big deal was nobody had ever been there or knew how the Cullens lived. The only “normal” person who’s ever an exception to that rule when the Cullens don’t specifically invite them is Charlie when he comes to check on Bella in a couple chapters. And by then he’s sure something weird’s going on so there’d be no point to showing him what’s in the fridge to prove everything’s normal. Besides, he doesn’t come until Jacob basically invites him by saying Bella’s better.

They have no reason AT ALL to be that in depth with their charade on a regular basis, and could actually be doing some good if they’d stop wasting food as props for their non-existent visitors and supporting some kind of feed-the-hungry charity instead.

Damn it, Meyer, stop and think once in a while. I know the author and the readers don’t see the same book the same way, but how fncking hard is it to remember none of them have social lives with normal people?

* Jake has a dream where he’s drinking a glass of water but it turns out to be bleach. I could make a crack about how that’s like reading Steph’s work, but why start being nasty now?

* Before Jacob goes to sleep, Alice comes up to him and remarks how relaxing he is because her visions shut down around him. Just being close to him does that, or does him being involved in their group future do that?

In the morning Alice’s face “wasn’t pinched up now. And it was easy to see why--she’d found another painkiller.” What other painkiller? It’s not Bella and her baby because Alice has never been only half-vampire; that was the source of Alice’s pain. “Like bad reception on a TV--like trying to focus your eyes on those fuzzy people jerking around on the screen. It’s killing my head to watch her.”

So what, then? She also said “I can’t take aspirin.” Are there pharmaceutical companies specifically for vampires, maybe? That’d add all kinds of dimensions to the story. Then again that’s probably why we don’t hear things like that.

Oh wait, he means having another werewolf around because Seth has a line of dialogue right after that little observation. Funny how Jake just described the scene of everyone hanging out and doting on Bella as usual, and didn’t mention Seth ONCE.

* Seth’s there because “Bella got cold.” I’m no doctor, but don’t pregnant women usually feel hot? Is it different because the demon fetus is drinking her blood? Didn’t it stop doing that because Bella started drinking straight blood herself? She’s described as looking a lot healthier since then.

At least last time they had the excuse of being in a damn tent on top of a mountain during a storm, with everyone away fighting a vampire army. Here they’re in the Cullens’ house with everybody around. They don’t have a damn portable heater for her this time? She had to cuddle up with another werewolf?

Ah, screw it. The point’s supposed to be Jake’s still not over her. How could anyone be? It’s BELLA SWAN.

* More empty talk about the conflict with the Quileutes, and how even if it came to a fight, Jacob COULD, theoretically, use his alpha status to end the fighting right there. Carlisle’s against it because it would be wrong, of course.

You have to wonder what the people in the book are thinking about their problems. Are they honestly prepping themselves for the uncomfortable eventuality of battle with other supernatural creatures who really aren’t evil, or are they waiting for a magic cure that makes everybody happy with no bloodshed to appear like the rest of us? Can’t say it seems like they’re concerned with anything beyond Bella’s comfort.

Chapter 15 - Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock

* Or, if I was going to do a sarcastic chapter title, “Countdown (to Boring).”

* Open on a telepathic conversation between Jake’s pack, where we find out, “Did you know you can buy blood? If you’re a doctor.” Oh, is that a fact? Did he have to explain what it was for? Did anybody check up on that? That just seems like something that would be regulated somehow, the sale of medical supplies, especially blood. Carlisle’s a nice guy and all that, but again, he’s still the head of a family of weirdo recluses. Meaning it’s probably common knowledge he doesn’t practice out of the home, let alone make house calls. How did he explain it? Did Steph even think he’d need to?

“Who cares about legal crap when you’re the undead?” Indeed.

* Oh, and Seth was actually alternating cuddling up to Bella with Edward to let their raging or frigid body temperatures adjust her own. You’re still telling me the Cullens couldn’t get her an electric blanket, Steph.

* Alice suggests Rosalie get Jake something to eat. He says he doesn’t trust her not to spit in his food and Alice replies “Rosalie would never embarrass Esme by displaying such a lack of hospitality.” Like when she suggested they just leave Bella to the (metaphorical) wolves in the first book because the idiot girl wasn’t their problem. In response to Edward’s direct request for her help, yet.

Edward promises he’d tell Jake if the food was poisoned, “And for some reason, I believed him.” Because Edward’s not just a great guy, he’s incredibly charismatic. Of course. Also, we’ve got this.

Jacob: “Let me guess, someone around here used to cut hair in a salon in Paris?”
Bella: (chuckles) “Probably.”

If only you’d tried to work a sense of humor about it in before, Steph. It’d still suck. You’re a hack writing a Suefic. But at least we could tell you knew.

* Some wangsting follows about how Jake’s not over her, and having him around completes her “big family.” “I’ve never had a big family before now. It’s nice.” It’d be nice if she got some appreciable time with anybody besides Edward, then. And, you know, not making the ones we do see seem like controlling/overbearing assholes.

* Jake and Edward talk about the plan for explaining things to Charlie, and that it’s mainly to drop a few hints, let him come to his own conclusions, which will probably be wrong. If he doesn’t know everything, he’s theoretically safe from the Volturi. Even though the frigging guidebook for the series admits that unless he made a huge ruckus with his knowledge, they’d probably never know about it.

Just so you remember, it took Charlie months to run out of patience with Bella being a zombie, and he’s never once tried to stop his daughter from seeing her dickhead boyfriend/husband. Because he loves her that much. Seems like it would take a hell of a lot to get to him. And yeah, these books don’t have anywhere near the bite they think they do. Meaning Charlie can probably take everything they’ve got to dish out.

* Also, Edward’s planning on checking into the legends of the cleaning lady’s tribe, because he thinks that might teach them something about how to deal with this. Because legends have such a good accuracy rating in this series; this isn't Supernatural, Meyer. Hell, if you remember me bringing it up before, the guidebook has a list of info about vampires the Volturi weren’t able to hide, were able to hide, and stuff they just plain made up to throw people off.

That does suggest a potentially interesting plot, though, with the Cullens sneaking into Volterra to get access to some kind of database on vampire info to know what to do, or where to look to learn more. That’d be a lot cooler than heading to South America to chase what is, in all likelihood, a dead end. Let’s not forget that the cleaning lady might well have gotten in touch with her people and warned them that Edward’s a “libishomen.” And so’s the rest of his family, probably.

It’d also give the Volturi a much better reason to confront the Cullens than the one they have. Especially since this “libishomen” nonsense ends up going pretty much nowhere anyway.

* Oh, but the book tries pretend otherwise. These legends actually mention a child born of woman and “libishomen,” that it was an evil thing that “must be killed immediately. Before it could gain too much strength.” So I’m guessing that legend isn’t actually talking about somebody we see later.

The legends hold “libishomen” themselves in the same regard. “Their legends say the same of us. That we must be destroyed. That we are soulless monsters.” Yeah well, considering that most vampires, even most of the non-Volturi ones the Cullens are friends with, are remorseless killers, maybe there’s something to it. Besides, even as the exception to the rule, the Cullens are still mainly a collection of arrogant douchenozzles. And they’re still vastly more powerful and supposedly teeter on the precipice of losing control all the time. In what way is “soulless monsters” an unfair assumption?

I’m sorry, it’s just the way Meyer thinks she created “good guy” vampires, but at best all they are is not actively evil. Is Superman a hero simply because he DOESN’T follow the guy who caught him off at the checkout line into the parking lot and heat vision his tires? Is Green Lantern a hero because he DOESN’T use his ring to pick up that same guy and hang him from the top of a radio mast by his underwear?

Maybe the bar for being a good guy’s higher than simply NOT abusing your awesome power. Which the Cullens totally do. Just because they don’t abuse it one certain way...

* Jake’s so upset by the fact that Bella’s willing to kill herself for the sake of her little monster, and that the Cullens are willing to let her, that he starts to attack Roz with blonde jokes. And it “Made me wish I could throw something at Bella too.” Wow, you just earned 50 approval points from me, Jake.

Chapter 16 - Too-Much-Information Alert

* Since when has “too much” information been Twilight’s problem? Aside from Bella getting naked, I guess.

* I just thought of this, but why is Jacob sometimes Jake, but Edward always Edward? Guess he’d seem like less of a “gentleman” if we ever called him by a nickname.

* Jake and his buddies are out scouting to see if any of their old buddies are around. They run into a place where they can smell all the vampires but Edward having been there recently, meaning there was “some reason for gathering that must have been forgotten when Edward brought his dying pregnant wife home. I gritted my teeth. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me.” Then why bring it up? Do I expect Steph to make anything of this? No, I don’t.

Leah makes a remark that knowing they’re helping the Cullens is a perfect excuse for Sam to “bunker down” and come up with a new plan. Bunker down? Isn’t that “hunker” down?

* She also observes “Wouldn’t want our precious parasites taking unnecessary chances.” As I’ve read in many a bad review article before mine, you know it’s a bad sign when the audience starts agreeing with the antagonists. God forbid the vastly more powerful Cullens who are the reason for all this put themselves at risk.

* Jake has to admit, though, that he isn’t hating having Leah around like he thought he would. She replies “You’re worth following, Jacob.” Because he didn’t hook up with her cousin for contrived reasons totally beyond his control?

* On the other hand, now that they’re opening up, we get a little development on Leah. As soon as she can, she’s planning to get out, and who can blame her? “I’ll get a job somewhere from La Push. Maybe take some courses at a community college.” What’s this? A female character finding meaning in life beyond a hot guy and beautiful babies? How’d this get in here?

Oh, wait, she’s sympathetic with Roz for not being able to have babies, because she can’t either. Never mind. Moreover, “I understand why your blond vampire is so cold--in the figurative sense. She’s focused. She’s got her eyes on the prize, right? Because you always want the very most what you can never, ever have.” She’s not focused, she’s one-note. Learn the difference, Steph.

Also, Jake thinking over Leah’s sterility because of her lupine powers has him asking, “Was that because she wasn’t as female as she should be?” Meaning what, exactly, Steph?

* Jake wangsts some more about having to go back to the Cullens’ to check on Bella. “It’s hard for you to be there, but hard to stay away. I know how that feels,” Leah opines.

Jake confirms “My head is not going to be the happiest place on earth.” Call me a grammar Nazi if you want, but “earth,” lower-case e, means dirt. Not the planet. And yeah, it won’t be a pleasant thing to see, since Bella’s just so damn special it takes mystical lupine biology for Jake to get over her. I bet ten years down the road, all the normal dudes from her school imagine Bella’s face on their wives when they have sex.

* What really hurts is this conversation leading into why Jacob hates imprinting. “Imprinting is just another way of getting your choices taken away from you.” All I have to say is…fnck you, Steph.

* Jake goes back and finds Bella in the living room. “I wondered briefly why they didn’t leave her upstairs, and the decided at once that it must be Bella’s idea. She’d want to act like things were normal, avoid the hospital setup. And he was humoring her. Naturally.” Based on her history, that doesn’t sound like being upbeat so much as insisting her problems don’t exist so she can get people to calm down and give her what she wants.

* About then Jacob realizes Edward, as always, has crumbled like a wet graham cracker and plans to do whatever Bella wants. In this case, let her have the baby even if it literally kills her. Jake’s about to snap, so Edward tosses him car keys “like they were a life preserver.”

Chapter 17 - What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need a Brain? You Need a Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.

* You see maybe why I stopped doing sarcastic titles of my own for this part?

* “I sort of had a plan as I ran to the Cullens’ garage. The second part of it was totaling the bloodsuckers’ car on the way back.”

Oh no! He’s going to mildly inconvenience the guy who can probably outrun that thing on foot anyway!

“Did he actually mean to give me the keys to an Aston Martin, Vanquish, or was that an accident?” I get Jacob probably know what that means, but I don’t. Does Meyer think her target audience does? Didn’t Bella remark that kind of thing was the province of those with a Y chromosome? Yeah, I slammed the author for that, but that was over the entire idea that women can’t be interested in cars. Just because I’m capable of thinking a car’s cool doesn’t mean I know what’s cool about it just because you told me the name.

* He drives to “the undefined sprawl that was part Tacoma and part Seattle.”

“This was a stupid plan. It wasn’t going to work.” This is a clever plan. It’s totally going to work. Because if there’s one thing these books have managed time and again, it’s to surprise me.

* “I parked across two handicapped spots--just begging for a ticket--and joined the crowd.” I’d say Jake’s being a dick, but let’s remember who owns the car.

* What’s his plan? To go walking around and try to imprint on some girl to get Bella out of his head. This is basically slavery based around his heritage and the presence of vampires. Why is this treated in a positive light? And remember the Quileutes started wolfing out in response to the Cullens’ presence (although I still say it makes more sense to blame Victoria). So they’re to blame for this imprinting crap.

“As time went on, I started noticing all the wrong things. Bella things. This one’s hair was the same color. That one’s eyes were sort of shaped the same.” Sue. I got nothing else to say. Sue. Don’t try to lie about it, Meyer. You know it, I know it. You just won’t admit it.

“It wouldn’t make sense to find her here, anyway. If Sam was right, the best place to find my genetic match would be in La Push.” It would? Why? And that’s what it’s about? Superior genetic heritage? Wow, that’s romantic. Which could be forgivable in any genre except ROMANCE.

Besides, you already know what happens. That means Jacob’s perfect genetic match is partly Edward’s genetics.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.

* Then a nice girl starts talking to Jacob, about how if he stole the car he’ll probably get off easier if he turns himself in. Way to keep a low profile during an extremely delicate operation, Eddie. Yeah, Eddie. Not Jacob.

As for his conversation partner, “Lizzie. She was pretty. Nice enough to try to help a grouchy stranger who must seem nuts.” Which also means she’s got more personality and redeeming qualities than any three characters we’ve been following this whole time. Why are you putting this character in, Meyer? All she’s going to do is make our leads look crazy and masochistic. Hell, she recognizes Jake’s borrowed car and throws out some appreciative words about it. They’ve already got something they can talk about besides each other.

Fnck these books. Fnck ‘em!

* Eventually Jacob realizes imprinting’s going to happen when it happens, and being around a ton of girls isn’t going to do it. “I was going to have to take the torture like a man. Suck it up.” Or think about what the hell you’re doing, weigh the pros and cons and think about what you’re going back to. I’m sorry to keep harping on this, but the Cullens aren’t good vampires. Less bad isn’t good.

Oh, and just for the record, Jake went babe hunting in “a big park full of kids and families.” I know it was meant to be a harmless descriptor. But what with where the imprinting bit’s been, and where it goes…eeeeeeeeew.

He goes back to Bella and the Cullens because that way, “I didn’t have to be all alone.” See? Crazy and masochistic.

* Edward’s waiting for Jake in the garage when he gets back, but I bet it wouldn’t surprise you to hear it’s not exactly out of a growing camaraderie between the two.

When Jake took off all of a sudden Leah apparently came in to ask why, and then unloaded on Bella for the way she keeps Jake around even it hurts him, seeing her like that and in the arms of someone else. I think. Edward doesn’t go into much detail. “You were quite vehemently championed.”

Edward adds, “I’m not going to pretend that I understand why Bella is unable to let go of you, but I do know that she does not behave this way to hurt you.” She knows that it does, and continues to do it anyway. Is there a difference?

Jacob promises to talk to Leah. And Bella. “She doesn’t need to feel bad. This one’s on me.” Stop defending Bella. Or at least stop claiming she’s so wise and kind and whatnot.

* Anyway, they talk some about the fetus, and Jacob realizes Edward doesn’t want to abort it anymore because “He couldn’t hate what loved Bella. It was probably why he couldn’t hate me, either.” It’s not because they’re getting to know each other and see each others’ good sides, it’s because of Edward’s obsessive devotion of Bella. So, same reason as EVERYTHING.

* Then, Edward gets on his hands and knees and begs for Jacob’s approval, to preserve the treaty between them and the Quileutes in spirit if nothing else. “Your word on this will condemn or absolve us. Since Edward has a hypo of vampire venom prepared and eventually uses that on Bella, and with Jacob’s parting shot in New Moon (“If any of them bite a human, the truce is over. Bite, not kill”), I have to think Edward’s asking permission to do the teeth C-section if that becomes necessary.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, the womb occupied by a half-vampire fetus is too strong to penetrate by normal means, and even as a baby it’s so strong that attempting a normal delivery would definitely be fatal. So Edward uses his teeth to cut it open to extract his kid.

Think on all that for a second.

* Things finally get cool as the chapter ends when Bella “vomited a fountain of blood.”

Chapter 18 - There Are No Words For This

* Oh boy, that’s encouraging in a BOOK.

* “Bella’s body, streaming with red, started to twitch, jerking around in Rosalie’s arms like she was being electrocuted…As she convulsed, sharp snaps and cracks kept time with the spasms.”

So this book’s target audience apparently isn’t ready to read about sex, but they ARE ready to read about Bella smeared with blood and contorting in bone-breaking agony. Eh?!

“Rosalie pinned Bella down, yanking and ripping her clothes out of the way, while Edward stabbed a syringe into her arm. How many times had I imagined her naked?”

(mouths “what the fuck?”)

* With Bella’s blood everywhere, it’s too much for Rosalie and she lunges forward to feed on our heroine. Okay, it happens twice, but…Rosalie seemed like a bitch who was willing to condemn Bella to die all the time anyway. This just makes her look like more of a bitch, not like vampires have no self control.

Jacob intercepts her. “My right palm smashed against her face, locking her jaw and blocking her airways.” And vampires don’t have to breathe, so…good work.

“I used my grip on Rosalie’s face to swing her body out so that I could land a solid kick in her gut; it was like kicking concrete.” Because we’ve never once established that vampires are made of rock. That their skin sparkles like diamond because of that. Thanks, Steph!

* Eventually Roz is restrained and Edward goes in to do the teeth C-section. “Vampire teeth--a surefire way to cut through vampire skin.” I thought everything about this was unknown.

* Bella’s heart stops after they get the kid out, and even though Edward’s injected her with vampire venom, Jacob’s entire world comes crashing down because the love of his life is dead and blah blah blah. It’s wangst. I don’t need to tell you about the wangst, do I?

Jake heads downstairs to do his duty to his pack. “Sam had been right. The thing was an aberration--its existence went against nature. A black, soulless demon. Something that had no right to be. Something that had to be destroyed.” He thinks it killed someone who was effectively suicidal anyway. Someone who never affected change despite all her efforts, change was only affected through everyone else’s efforts and unwavering desire to please and protect her. If she’d made some kind of mark of her own, done something to justify all this insane devotion…

* …but one look at the baby and all those violent thoughts melt from Jacob’s mind. That’s right, just like magic, he found his soul mate, and it’s the daughter of the center of the universe. She’s not even five minutes old.

Eeeeeeeeeew.

* “From upstairs, there was a new sound. The only sound that could touch me in this endless instant. A frantic pounding, a racing beat…a changing heart.”

What, you mean BELLA’S NOT DEAD?!?!?! For real?! Who could’ve seen that coming????

Your books suck, Steph.

Breaking Down, Book Two: Jacob, Chapter 10 - 13

Chapter 10 - Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I’m An Idiot

* Nah, it’s not as much fun when the book mocks itself. Not that self-mockery fixes problems…Not when it only starts coming in the fourth quarter, certainly.

* More reflection on Bella’s condition. “The girl was a classic martyr. She’d totally been born in the wrong century. She should have lived back when she could have gotten herself fed to some lions for a good cause.” Pardon me if I’m wrong, but is the book then admitting that Bella’s always trying to throw her life away over nothing? And perhaps, by extension, how a lot of the problems in these books exist solely in the minds of the protagonists? Which would’ve worked better if Steph did more with it than mention it.

* Bella and Jacob discuss the futility of their relationship, and how it felt to Edward when he met Bella. “He said it was like A Midsummer Night’s Dream, like magic. You’ll find who you’re really looking for, Jacob, and maybe then all of this will make sense.” Are we talking about fairies using love potions on unsuspecting humans? Because I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing we could talking about. Then again let’s remember this is the same girl who confused Romeo’s previous girlfriend with a character from a totally different play. Despite her only known hobby being reading classic literature.

* They discuss vampirizing as a life-saving measure, and how Carlisle “doesn’t end lives, he saves them.” With no consent from them, and not if they’ve got something to leave behind. I suppose Rosalie qualified because her parents saw her more as a trophy than a daughter.

But nobody minds or questions it, because that would lead to moral dilemmas.

* Jacob tries to get Bella to see that the vampire-spawn’s killing, but as usual she shoulders all the blame. “It’s me. I’m just weak and human.” Stop saying “human” like it’s a disease, Meyer. Yes, as a vampire she’d be stronger and tougher and be dealing with a superhuman pregnancy better, but being human isn’t the source of her myriad problems. We don’t necessarily need a protagonist who can fight, we need an author who can find dramatic possibilities with the characters she’s given herself.

* Jacob leaves because he refuses to watch Bella twist and die. He reports to the pack “Bella’s life means nothing to her,” and I think Dana put it pretty well.

* The wolves debate among themselves and figure that they need to attack and wipe out the threat of a spastic vampire baby who’ll never be able to learn the consequences of its actions. Jake protests because there’s no way to do that without killing Bella too. I realize killing humans probably runs counter to their usual mission parameters, but she made her choice. Stop with the get out of jail free cards because it’s Bella. I don’t care that it’s Jake, and he still loves her after all this. Can’t anybody have any principles?

No, of course not. It’s Bella Swan, one of the Sue-iest Sues anybody ever tried to hide. How dare anyone suggest she have to pay for insisting on hanging around the Cullens when everyone, including the Cullens themselves, warned her she could easily die that way? She didn’t listen when everyone told her not to play on the train tracks. This is what she gets.

* Jacob reflects on how such-and-such Cullen would be the most dangerous, and how good some of them are that it’d unquestionably murder to have to kill them. As if it’s not murder to kill someone who isn’t good. And one more time, this isn’t character development. Not for anybody but the one doing all this pontificating, at least.

Jake eventually gives in because Sam tells him to, and nobody contradicts the alpha.

Chapter 11 - The Two Things At The Very Top Of My Things-I-Never-Want-To-Do List

* There’s some unease among the pack. “Which brothers would we lose? Which minds would leave us forever? Which grieving families would we be consoling in the morning?” Why should I care? Why doesn’t the author make better use of the characters she has instead of piling more on? Why doesn’t she stop pretending already?

The thing is I probably would feel for them based on a line like this a lot more if not for the way the author insists on giving names to every single faceless fncker in her books. No, really. It’s the way Meyer insists on trying to make us care about every single one, by giving every single one of them a name, and saying we should care about them.

* Jacob realizes there is one way he doesn’t have to listen to Sam anymore. That is, seize upon how he was supposed to be the alpha but didn’t want to be. Isn’t it great the way so many problems are resolved by things just happening, or being a certain way? Not through effort? “I hadn’t earned anything. But there were things that had been born in me, things that I’d left unclaimed.” That’s nice that you’re pointing it out, Steph. Now stop relying on it.

Jacob’s better than Sam, by the way, because he’ll never use his alpha blood to force anybody to do anything they don’t want to. Even though that would put an immediate end to the threat of warfare between the two groups and all the wangst about whose moms they’d be comforting come the morn. He doesn’t even consider it. That might, after all, imply something other than black and white morality and require the author to make an effort.

* Jake runs to warn the Cullens of his ex-buddies’ plan to attack, and realizes partway there he’s not the only deserter. Seth came because he’s friends with Edward, and eventually Leah comes because she wanted to look out for Seth, her little brother (oh yeah, total harpy). If there’s more than one alpha, the wolves can apparently pick which one they want to follow. Convenient. Yet, it does allow for a little nice character growth among Jacob’s new recruits. Nice being relative to the rest of the series, of course.

* As he runs up to Chateau Cullen, he spots the boys out front. “They were snow white in the pale light.” Isn’t that normal for them…? Because they’re vampires?

He fills them in on the new developments among the wolves and yeah I’m really sure we’re looking at the possibility of a fight, even with a focus character who actually participates in the plot.

* Sheesh. Now that I think about it, since Bella’s life-threatening pregnancy’s the impetus of the plot, by switching the perspective to Jacob Meyer’s doing what she’s done this entire miserable experience: isolate the reader from what’s driving the story by isolating the narrator from it. Admittedly, he goes to check on her so it’s not as bas as it has been.

* Carlisle’s eternally grateful to Jacob and Seth for their “great personal sacrifice,” but I’m not sure what exactly it is he gave up other than the other wolves not killing them. I didn’t really see the friendship between them and the other wolves, just a bunch of hopped-up meatheads who wanted to kill vampires. Definitely didn’t see the relationship between Jake and his sister. Don’t know if they were happy at home. Don’t know if they had any respect for Sam. Hell, this is before alleged super-bitch Leah decides she’s in Jake’s pack too, and leaving the old pack cuts them off from that group telepathy with them. For all I know they consider this a trade-up.

* Jacob goes in to see Bella and notices “The glass wall was gone -- it looked like metal now.” Although I don’t know if this is another example of how quickly the Cullens can get and install things, or if it’s supposed to be those metal shutters we saw they already had back in the first book.

“The dripping noise was from the IV plugged into her arm--some fluid that was thick and white, not clear.” Am I supposed to know the difference? Would Jacob? Would the fourteen-year-old target audience? Would they know even if they followed this series into high school?

Oh and “Worse. Yes, she was worse.”

Sorry Steph, you’ve dropped the ball too many times for this to be a worry now.

Chapter 12 - Some People Just Don’t Grasp The Concept Of “Unwelcome”

* Jake and Seth set themselves running a perimeter around the Cullens’ house to watch for the other Quileutes like nice obedient guard dogs. Then Leah shows up, allegedly to keep an eye on her brother but also glad for an excuse to be rid of Sam. She probably wasn’t too happy being reminded every single day he dumped her because he imprinted on her cousin, after all…

Not sure why imprinting’s treated like a good thing.

* Eventually the bickering between the wolves ends and of course matters turn back to Bella’s survival.

Sayeth Carlisle, “Bella is already a daughter to me. A beloved daughter.” Of course. And it’s Bella, so the fact that Carlisle sees her as a daughter isn’t enough, he had to add another sentence with that superlative.

There’s still the possibility of vamping Bella to save her. “I’ve seen vampire venom work miracles, but there are conditions that even venom cannot overcome.” I doubt it, but it’s possible Steph did exhaustive research and found out “venom” is actually a neutral term that doesn’t mean poison. That’s what everybody thinks when they hear the word, though, and if she’s going to use “venom” to mean something that also heals and strengthens, it’d be nice to explain that in-story.

Also I wonder a little at Carlisle’s medical qualifications when he talks about how Bella’s baby is killing her from the inside because it’s not entirely human. “I can’t figure out what it wants.” Well Dr. Feelgood, the inhuman aspect must come from the father, yes? What does the father feed on? Shit, I’m not a doctor and this is no mystery to me.

Then again, how long did it take these guys to figure out Victoria was behind all the new vampires near them? To even guess that?

* Carlisle educates Jacob some on the medical differences between vampires and humans. I’m not a science guy so I can’t properly get into what’s wrong with this. If you’re interested in that, here you go. Also, the characters just say people have 23 chromosomes, not 23 PAIRS.

* Edward basically tells Carlisle he’s dumb for not figuring out the baby’s half-vampire and wants blood, and he’s right.

The Cullens prove to already have a store of human blood on hand, to keep Bella sated while going through the early days of her own vampirism. Presumably stolen by Carlisle from the local blood bank. Yay Cullens.

You could frame it by saying he did that to prevent deaths from Bella going crazy as a new vampire, but are you honestly thinking that could happen after all the other false alarms?

Chapter 13 - Good Thing I’ve Got A Strong Stomach

* Jake and Bella talk about how they always end up in situations like this, and I have to admit I do get the sense that they are friends despite all the shit she puts him through. I’m still not sure why friendzoned him when there’s actually something to get along with in the first place when it comes to wolfboy, though.

Although she does call him a jerk when he tells her that Roz doesn’t care if Bella lives or dies, as long as she gets to have a baby around. You're the one manipulating somebody to make sure things turn out how you want, Bells. And he's still right.

* The vampires bring Bella some blood to drink, “the kind with a lid and a bendy straw.” Like I’ve always, don’t want to be treated like a kid, don’t act like one.

Okay, okay, it’s really so she doesn’t have to look at it as she drinks and think about the fact that she’s swallowing blood. That’s just annoying in another way, though. When’s Bella finally going to toughen up a little and stop having every single thing done for her?

* Bella asks if this “counts,” drinking human blood before she’s a vampire. Edward assures her, “No one is counting, Bella. In any case, no one died for this. Your record is still clean.” Was it ever?

* With the little beast apparently calmed some by the blood, Bella’s finally able to get some sleep, and Jake leaves to let her.

Something that finally gets the plot moving again happens when he hears Seth and Leah howling and realizes some of the other Quileutes are on the way. Their names are listed as if that matters, but it doesn’t, so I won’t recopy it. They try to guilt Jake some into thinking he overreacted by running off like he did, and Seth thinks “Overreaction? And attacking our allies without warning isn’t?”

Allies? How are the Cullens “allies”? They joined forces with the Quileutes to fight Victoria’s gang, sure, but that was after the Alaskan vampires refused to come. It sounds like Seth’s letting the fact that he’s friends with Edward color his perception of the situation, and overlook the understandable concern that they don’t know what in the hell Bella’s going to birth. Well, actually, “concern” implies the books have any teeth.

But all the same, the Cullens helped them one time after who knows how long of uncomfortable peace. They help each other once, and they’re allies? I’m sorry to keep bringing this up, but I think it’s a hell of a difference between the Cullens and the Quileutes that the wolves actually protect their territory, while the Cullens only protect themselves. In my mind that hurts the “allies” argument too.

Maybe the author doesn’t see it this way, but based on their actions, it seems like the only reasons the Cullens wouldn’t simply leave to escape hostility is because a) it would bother Bella to do that to her family, and b) because the Volturi are keeping an eye on the family, and because of tracker-guy there’s no place to hide from them. Or currently c) because Bella’s pregnant with demonspawn and too weak to travel. And the Cullens were too stupid not to move her to one of their properties that isn’t down the street from a werewolf den in the first place.

It sounds kind of like Seth says that thinking they’re friends with the Cullens, when really they worked together because their interests happened to coincide at one point in time. I dunno, that seems a fairly wimpy definition. But a stronger one would require an author who doesn’t confuse conflict with mentioning conflict.

* Then Leah shows up, nude because of wolfing out. An entire paragraph, eight whole lines, goes into describing communal nudity and how it got weird when she joined up. Clean, huh?

* More brilliant rhetoric from this book. Jacob tells his former friends “this isn’t just about Bella.” Liar. You are a filthy, filthy liar, Stephenie Meyer.

“We’re protecting those who should be protected. And that applies to the Cullens, too.” Are you so sure of that, Mr. Black? And even ignoring their moral standing, the book still persists that vampires > every other species in the universe. When Sam was planning to attack he was sure they only had a chance as long as they had the element of surprise, and was still expecting losses. That was what that mourning families crap was about. Who says the Cullens need protection from the likes of you, Senor Black?

* More boring talk about how Sam won’t attack because he’s lost the element of surprise, and he’s afraid of more desertions, particularly among Jake’s friends. Still not much in the way of drama.

That’s a big part of the problem with going to battles as a major dramatic element once, when you’re writing a long series. It’s like Pandora’s box; once you open it and let reader expectations out, you have a hell of a time putting them back in again.

Solving problems through negotiations and concessions is boring real life shit, and it's even more galling you'd go that way after having the conflict center around supernatural beings killing each other so often by now. Disputes resolved by debating that could theoretically be dramatic (with a really good author, which leaves Steph out), but it's doomed from the beginning here because nothing’s at stake. All the Quileutes with any kind of identity are hanging with Jake and the Cullens now, and most of their development comes after this. Besides, Sam’s afraid of attacking now that the Cullens know he was thinking about it, and of his pack walking out on him since he can’t force them to do what he says anymore. The threat’s already been neutered.

Breaking Down, Chapters 6 - 9

Chapter 6 - There Should be Laws Against This Much Nothing In One Book

* “My entertainment became the number-one priority on Isle Esme.” Ha ha, became! Who do you think you’re kidding, Steph?

* “I knew what was going on. He was trying to keep me busy, distracted, so that I wouldn’t continue badgering him about the sex thing.” So stop. It’d be one thing if the story didn’t make an effort to portray Bella as something more than your average dramatic teenager…

“Whenever I tried to talk him into talking it easy with one of the million DVDs under the big-screen plasma TV,” (Isn’t it awesome that the Cullens have things like that?? It’s awesome, right???) “he would lure me out of the house with magic words like coral reefs and submerged caves and sea turtles. We were going, going, going all day, so that I found myself completely famished and exhausted when the sun eventually set.” They’re not even comfortable enough to sit on the couch and chill, Edward has to keep her constantly distracted so that dreaded topic doesn’t come up. How long’s that going to work even on a space case like Bella? Actually, probably a while, if “magic words” like those are enough to throw her off for an entire day. And hell, a glance at his perfect face always dissipates all annoyance she might be feeling toward Eddie.

Bella, you suck.

* Bella tries harder to seduce Edward, trying to make more use of the lingerie and “scanty bikinis” Alice packed for her. Oh god, stop giving me details on Bella’s plans to seduce Edward.

She tries to get him to give on the sex by being willing to hold off on being transformed, saying she’d like to go to Dartmouth and have some “human experiences,” but Edward sees right through it. “You are so human, Bella. Ruled by your hormones.” Wait, so what’s her deal supposed to be?

Eventually Bella starts to freak about the Volturi coming for her, and that with her sheer aura of desperation seems to overwhelm Edward enough for them to do the nasty again. Bella of course feels guilty, but Edward blows it off. “So you seduced your all-too-willing husband. That’s not a capital offense.” The same husband who refused to do it, refused to cut any sort of deal that would include it. How wishy-washy can you get?? Edward’s hardly been able to think of Bella’s own good even while he’s thinking of Bella’s own good before, though. At least she’s consistent about that.

* Bella realizes that getting laid has made her genuinely want to try college as a human and hold off on being turned. And if you think that’s honestly going to go anywhere, I’m going to have to assume you haven’t been paying attention.

* Bella goes to watch a movie while Edward goes to let the cleaners in (“They had more DVDs than a rental store”). I worked at a Blockbuster for a while. We were always getting asked for movies we didn’t have. I’m tempted to say the selection of a rental store’s really not that great, and it’s a lame-sounding comparison to make anyway. Maybe if she’d said, “They had more DVDs than an Amazon warehouse”…

Perhaps more pertinently, Bella’s interests pretty much shrank to Edward Cullen as soon as she moved to Forks. How long’s it been since she was even inside a video rental place? I’d say New Moon but it’s hard to imagine even Bella Swan turning DVD-watching into a life-threatening experience.

Also I just have to love the line that says Edward was talking to the cleaners “in what I assumed was perfect Portuguese.” Because Edward’s perfect. Edward knows everything. She just assumes that by now. Except we’re going to see a huge example of his deficiencies in the very near future.

* One of the cleaners, an indigenous lady, apparently tells Edward, to his face yet, that she thinks he’s something called a “libishomen.” That is, “a blood-drinking demon who preys exclusively on beautiful women.” You might think that the Cullens don’t care about letting these people know they’re vampires, but this sounds like this is the first time the people who clean the beach house have ever had cause to think this.

Also, I can’t find anything about a “libishomen,” so I’ll just quote what a TV tropes commenter had to say: “In Breaking Dawn, a Brazilian cleaning woman recognizes Edward as a "libishomen". Ignoring the fact that it's Lobisomem, that particular Portuguese myth is a werewolf and not a vampire. To make matters worse, the lobisomem looks like a man-ape, so it should have been impossible for Edward Cullen to be recognized as one."

Why exactly is she telling the guy who she thinks is a monster, that she thinks he’s a monster, though? Her concern is for the could-not-be-more-obviously-pregnant-if-you--built-a-50-foot-neon-sign-next-to-her Bella, who doesn’t speak her language, yeah. But what purpose is telling the monster he’s a monster meant to serve? I dunno, what if she was right? Won’t that just double the body count so she doesn’t go home and tell her people the guys who own that island are libishomens? She’s not, I know, but what IS the thinking? Is there any?

* Apparently it doesn’t even matter that this might be the love nest of a demon, since the cleaners just come in and get to work. Boy I wish I could say I was surprised. Within a page Bella forgets they’re even there and ponders sex again, which they leave to have.

Chapter 7 - It Took This Long For the Plot to Get Started, Aren’t You Filled With Confidence?

 * Bella has another nightmare about the Volturi, and I don’t care how many times you tell me otherwise, until you show them being scary, I’m not going to believe you when you say they are.

“And then, like a burst of light from a flash, the whole scene was different.” Just for the record, that’s what a flash is. A burst of light.

She wakes up to find a note from Edward that he went to the mainland to hunt. Guess it would’ve been too mean to have him eat one of those cute porpoises Bella went diving with in the last chapter.

“We seemed to exist outside of time here, just drifting along in a perfect state.” Imagine the impact of that same sentence coming from someone not disconnected from reality as the rule and not the exception. She totally forgot about other people being in the house because she was getting horny again in the last chapter, remember? Ditto for when she watches CNN later and notes “we’d been so out of touch, world war three could have broken out and we wouldn’t have known.”

* More signs of impending about-to-be-a-mommy-ness. Bella gets nauseated by food and decides she doesn’t want to go back “to the hot room.” So turn on the AC? Do they seriously not have that? They have plenty of things to make them look normal at their house in Forks nobody visits, why the hell would they skimp on the charade on a property normal people actually do come to? Why do I even ask anymore?

Guess not, since when Edward gets back he promises, “I’ll have an air conditioner installed before I leave again.” Edward, I’d say you suck at foresight, but it sounds like your dad sucks at it too since this is his and his wife’s private retreat. Next you’ll tell me Edward forgot to get a bed for the house he bought near Dartmouth for them (because he did. Buy a house there).

* Bella realizes her period’s late, and yanks her shirt up. “I had absolutely no experience with pregnancy or babies or any part of that world, but I wasn’t an idiot.” You don’t need me to say anything by now, do you? “I’d seen enough movies and TV shows to know that this wasn’t how it worked.” Well, if you’re going by sensationalized Hollywood depictions, maybe you are an idiot. I can’t help myself, can I?

She moans to herself, “there was no way I could be pregnant. The only person I’d ever had sex with was a vampire, for crying out loud.” It’s like she somehow tapped into the author’s mind and got used to there being no consequences to anything, and got complacent.

She remembers her research on vampires from the first book, and stuff like succubi and incubi. Then she thinks about Rosalie’s frustrations about not getting to experience motherhood, and realizes there is a difference between the two of them.

Damn. Now I really have to ask what the Cullens do with their immortality. Carlisle’s been alive for three and a half centuries. Apparently neither he nor even the Volturi, the oldest of whom have been alive for somewhere around thirty centuries, have ever asked what happens if a male vampire has sex with a human woman (hell, if a male human has sex with a female vampire). No, it’s just nothing happens when vampires have sex with each other, so nothing could possibly happen if a vampire has sex with a non-vampire.

I don’t know, but Carlisle gets kind of excited at getting to study something like this when they get home. You’d think at some point it would’ve occurred to him, and it’s not like he’s lacking for time to run scenarios or come up with a list of what-ifs. If not for that, I almost could’ve believed this just never occurred to anybody in the book.

* I know it’s said that normal vampires wouldn’t have the restraint to have sex with a human and not drink their blood, but that ties into two of the books’ shortcomings. One is that we spend all our time with the Cullens, and the other is that because Bella’s the POV character we hardly ever see non-veggie vampires. Even the non-veggies we see tend to come across as civil and restrained. Aside from Jasper’s slip in New Moon, the Cullens can talk all they want about how hard they have to fight their urges. But after a while all the civil, restrained vampires make civility seem like the norm, and that makes sparklepires as a species look pretty safe except when they take a direct interest in killing a specific person.

Because being around vampires seems so safe on the whole, it seems kind of weird nobody would ever get the desire to have a liaison with a warm body again, just to remember what it’s like. And if so, then it seems kind of weird nobody knows that impregnation with humans is possible.

* Alarmed, Edward calls Carlise, and Bella isn’t sure how she’ll talk to him. “Would he laugh at my conclusions, tell me I was crazy?” Does that sound like the guy who invented feeding on animals because he thinks enough of humans not to want to kill them or vampify them if they still have lives to live?

* I will admit that there’s a nice bit here, and it’s the revelation that she’s going to have a baby causes Bella to grow up a little. Think that maybe there is in fact more to life than Edward’s perfect face and Edward’s perfect dick. That maybe being caretaker for a life is a good thing.

Granted, very little’s actually done with it, but having that moment was kind of nice.

* Bella then wonders why Edward’s suddenly so angry, and “I was sure I had it. He must be so worried about the baby. I hadn’t gotten around to freaking out yet. “My brain worked slower than his.” Oh and he’s gotten so much use of it, hasn’t he? He just overthinks everything, doesn’t he?

* Sure he does, since he immediately identifies Bella’s fetus as a threat to her and decides for her that Carlisle’s going to get it out. I suppose I’m meant to be appalled at Edward immediately deciding to do this with no input from her, but let’s us be reasonable if we’re going to ask the characters to be. This is something totally unexpected (however dumb that is), something he has no idea how to deal with, and something that could very well kill his wife. He’s protecting his dearest loved one from a bad spot he put her in. I haven’t got an opinion on abortion, but I don’t know that I totally disagree with him here.

* The cleaning lady shows up and starts yelling at Edward, implicitly over what’s happening Bella (who cares?). And it goes on for a little while even though, as usual, our POV character is totally out of the loop. She says things like Edward starts to sound pleading and begging but that’s of pretty limited usefulness when we have no idea what’s being said. Keep it short and to the point, okay?

We do actually hear one word of the conversation. “Morte.” “I knew enough Spanish for that one.” What if I don’t? What if I’m a tweener who thinks studying foreign languages is stupid? These books were, theoretically, being marketed to that age group, right?)

* “As if I could discount something because it was a legend. My life was circled by legend on every side. They were all true.” No, is that what all the vampires and lupine shapeshifters mean? The first sentence would’ve said plenty by itself. So we’re going from no help, right to too much.

Incidentally, didn’t she have a line somewhere back where she was flat-out annoyed with how many legends were turning out to be true? Hell, I seem to remember at one point she was dismissive of the Quileute legends of werewolves, and that was after she found out vampires are real. Yeah, not being dismissive of legends when you live up to your neck in them makes sense, but when did that start happening for Bella?

* Close out Book One on Bella tearfully calling Rosalie for help. It doesn’t say what for, but I bet you don’t have to guess it’s bribing Rosalie for protection with the promise of a baby around the house.

Book Two: Jacob, Chapter 9 - Waiting For the Damn Fight to Start Already

* “Preface - Life sucks, and then you die. Yeah, I should be so lucky.”

Um, what in the hell??

* As the heading indicates, we now switch over to Jacob’s perspective. Implicitly, this and the epilogue to Eclipse were in response to readers who didn’t like Jacob to help them understand him better.

Also, rather than Bella’s brief and often tangential chapter titles, well, that really is the title of the chapter, not one of the snarky ones I’ve been substituting.

* We open on Jacob griping that some werewolf named Paul has imprinted on Jacob’s sister that I don’t remember ever hearing about. Durrr, I wonder where Steph could be going with this after we just found out Bella’s pregnant!

* Jacob’s griping wanders off into what convenient excuse the Cullens will use for Bella not coming back from her honeymoon, or if they’ll even bother and just suddenly disappear into thin air one morning. He fantasizes about getting the pack and going out to get the Cullens (fantasizing because he’s already been turned down by the others). The thought’s a sweet one because he knows Edward well enough to know that if he does get any of the others, Edward will come after him without a thought. Because Edward over thinks everything, and never seizes upon his first emotional impulse.

* Then Jacob goes to see another werewolf who’s playing with the girl he’s imprinted on. The little girl. Who just turned three. Ewwwww. I don’t care how Meyer tries to justify this, this is a grown man grooming a girl who can’t even tie her shoes yet to grow up to be his wife. Ewwwww.

Also, the other werewolf’s child bride “pulled his hair like a horse’s reigns.” A reign with a G is something you can’t touch, so no. Think about it like this: once upon a time there was a cartoon called Reign. It was about Alexander the Great. What spelling of the word do you think was intended?

Jacob says the werewolf’s way more jazzed than any parent would be to play “stupid kiddie games” with his underage paramour. What does that even mean, that Jacob’s just a cynical bastard who doesn’t know what parenthood’s like? Or is that true, because the child the book focuses on is mentally older than her parents within a few weeks of being born? I’m just asking because in the next chapter Jacob makes some surprisingly accurate observations, implying he has a pretty good handle on life in the real world.

Anyway, the other werewolf suggests that maybe Jacob trying to get a date, or a life. So what’s the message on that one? Is the series finally admitting how pathetic its main characters are for obsessing over Bella?

* Sam howls for the pack to gather, and Jake runs off, wolfing out with a “silent shimmer that made me something else.” Uh, listen, it’s cold! Shimmers are light, they’re visual. These couple chapters are making me wonder if Steph understands what light is.

The meeting’s because they’ve heard Bella’s back from her honeymoon and suffering from some kind of “rare disease in South America,” wink wink. None of them but Jacob want to attack, though, since they don’t have any proof. How law-abiding for a bunch of mystical warriors. Kind of calls all that car theft and such on the Cullens’ parts into focus, maybe?

Sam hits Jacob below the belt asking “Are you sure this is what you want? Is it really the right thing? We all know what she wanted.” Even after saving her from diving off a cliff. As they say, Jacob’s probably just a glutton for punishment.

Then Seth hits Jacob below the belt, asking what Jacob’s going to do when Bella fights on the Cullens’ side. I wonder if his opinion of her’s colored by his opinion of Edward, as if becoming a vampire makes you tough. I kinda see Bella curling up into a ball as her mind shuts down at the horrific spectacle of two factions she both considers friends fighting. Like she has every single time something bad’s happened.

“She’s not Bella anymore,” Jacob retorts. Who is Bella, exactly? Even the author’s said she avoided describing Bella more than she had to in order to make it easier to insert yourself into her shoes.

* “Nope, the pack wasn’t attacking anyone today. But I was.”

Over Bella.

Chapter 9 - Sure As Hell Didn’t See That One Coming
* You were the only one, Jake.

* Jacob retreats back to his place where he talks to his dad about his newly-revealed sister, and we hear “It’s hard -- the girls were older than you when your mom passed,” and if not for her new boyfriend “she probably would have taken off again real quick. Maybe that was why Billy didn’t kick him out.” Gee, it seems like she was only introduced to also introduce some quick pathos. Also seems like the author still thinks a guy’s the only thing that matters to a girl.

Oh, and also sayeth Billy, “She’d rather sleep on the floor than lose you.” Show it. Let us see this character’s face. Let us see how she acts toward Jacob that she feels close to him. With all the space Meyer had to work with, is that asking so much?

* Jacob heads over to the Cullen house, planning his strategy (mainly forcing his way in, seeing Bella and wolfing out so the others can have their evidence and attack), but Carlisle politely meets him at the door. “Carlisle was just so…human or something.” So please tell me and tell me true, Steph, what a sparklepire is. With all the space Meyer had to work with, is that asking so much?


* Carlisle lets Jacob in since he’s not an evil lord of the night, and Jake sees Bella really for real is sick, it wasn’t just a story. Also, Rosalie’s hovering around her protectively because this is the only chance she’ll get to be this close to being a mom. Even Edward points out in a bit, “Bella’s life means nothing to her.” Which Bella’s exploiting. I dunno, maybe if these books actually had complex morality instead of just pretending they did, that’d work.

Rosalie, or “blondie” as Jacob takes to calling her (it’s not like she deserves something more flattering) “was easier to ignore than I ever would have dreamed.” Wait til you’ve seen things from my side, Mr. Black.

* Jacob and Bella talk, with Bella snapping, “sounding a little more like the way she usually talked to me.” Oh you guys are such good friends.

More striking than that his how massively, how quickly, Bella’s got pregnant. “There was no way she could be pregnant. Not that pregnant. Except that she was.” Even a werewolf’s chained by ideas of normalcy.

Edward takes Jacob aside and explains why nobody’s done anything about this fetus, which is plainly killing its mother. Bella won’t let them. “Jeez, she was running true to form. Of course, die for the monster spawn. It was so Bella.” In a little bit we also get, “Make Bella see sense? What universe do you live in?” Although if you kind of think about it, that kind of awareness coupled with Meyer writing Bella in a minimalist fashion could be read as “Bella thinks this/acts this way because it’s the easiest way to advance the plot.”

It’s a little bit nice the author seems to be acknowledging the shortcomings of her story, but you’d think she might take the opportunity to fix it. This is a perfect chance for everybody to grow up and fill out as characters. At the very least, she could explain why it’s laudable that Bella’s always so willing to throw her life away. Or when Edward says Jacob couldn’t possibly hate him as much as he hates himself.

* Then Edward does something that’s earned him a lot more condemnation, but again this time…I’m not so sure.

He tries to get Jacob to talk Bella into aborting the baby, with the alternative of having “puppies” with Jacob instead. Who presumably won’t eat her from the inside out. Although I don't see any particular reason their wolf mojo couldn't manifest right in Bella's womb since she'd still be married to Edward and presumably still surrounded by vampires. Oh, like big, mature Bella could stand to be separated from Edward for nine months, and like Edward could resist the urge to be around to do everything for her, no matter how good an idea that would be.

The thing is, Edward doesn’t say that as a derogatory remark when he says it. He comes across as pretty desperate to save his wife’s life if that’s what it takes.

I don’t know if he’d be forcing his will on her if his family hadn’t lined up behind Bella, but…I believe for this moment he wants to save her. Besides, at literally every turn, Bella’s shown she needs to be protected from herself even more than all the vampires after her. I hate both of these characters, but Bella’s history of poor judgment and pointless attempts at sacrifice add up to a bigger negative on her side. And if I were reading this for the first time, how would I know what kind of hellspawn she’d be stubbornly releasing upon the world? This isn’t exactly Rosemary’s Baby, where you can sympathize with the character and get some inkling of why she loves her child even though he’s the frigging antichrist. Bella’s the idiot’s idiot and I’ve had, I think, good cause to hate her since she landed in Forks. Edward kind of wins by default.

* Jacob agrees to Edward’s plan, although I’m not sure if it’s the one to abort the fetus or to kill Edward when the baby kills her.

Loonatics Unleashed - Going Underground

Open on Chinatown, where it looks to be Chinese New Year. Because it’s always Chinese New Year. The same way it’s always Mardi Gras.

Lexi (the girl bunny, because I’ve decided I’m just calling everyone else by their old names) and Daffy are getting takeout (because what else would they be doing there?) when Lexi suddenly hears something via her super-hearing and the buildings start to shake. “Comically” splattering Daffy with all the food he was carrying.

Then it starts to shake more, and a guy lets go of a serving cart of more Chinese food which splatters…more on Daffy. Who was still splattered from the first time. Was that supposed to be funny? Er? Then another guy lets go of another serving cart and Daffy teleports out of the way, but a carton flies off and splatters on him anyway. Oh come on, you just did the same stupid thing three times in the same thirty seconds! That doesn’t even count as a running gag.

Then we pan out and it looks like all the ground around Chinatown is sinking, except only one building’s apparently sinking, a big purple one with an atom symbol on the side. I know you were making this for kids with tiny attention spans, guys, but if you don’t care why should I?

Then that whole part of town on the hill sinks into the ground instead, so was that part being raised up? So why does it sink into the ground from up there…forget it. Although I’m kind of curious if they’ll try to explain how nobody was inside those buildings when they collapsed and didn’t get crushed.

Then a nerdy-looking midget walks up to a glowing green jewel and laughs after saying “there’s going to be a whole lot more shaking going on!” Okay, that’s not even a joke. If it was “a whole lot OF shaking going on,” that’d sound dumb but at least it’d be a reference to something. Not that I’d expect this show’s target audience to have heard that song.

After theme song, we return to the Loonatics in their meeting room, and a comment from Bugs enlightens us that the ground wasn’t sinking, that one part rose up. To make that one building sink, apparently.

Wile E. wheels in a miniature rendering of the city but isn’t happy with it because he had to make it “on my break. Total rush job.” Okay, how long was his break? The show doesn’t even explain the characters’ powers, how am I supposed to know their scheduling regulations? Heck, these guys are a superhero team. Not exactly a 9-to-5 job.

Lexi notes the detail’s so extreme it even has little trains that actually run, then looks at her watch and adds “and on time.” That’s not even a joke either. How would she tell that from glancing at her wrist? Does she memorize train schedules? When they get around via jetpack?

The point of the model city is no matter what tectonic variations he tries, Wile E. can’t figure out what would make a little mountain rise up in the middle of town like that. Not that investigations matter, because Zadavia pops in right then to conveniently explain who’s behind this.

One Dr. Thaddeus Dare, a scientist who made it his life’s work to find a way to control rock. Daffy shouts out, “Whacko, party of one!” after that. And he should. I mean, imagine the practical applications of that kind of power, like preventing earthquakes or volcanic eruptions, or digging foundations for a new building in one day.

Disfigured by the meteor crash, he grew more and more reckless until he was “banished by the scientific community.” And not, like, arrested or anything? Just driven out of the scientific community? What’d he do?

“Lemme guess, a guy that into rocks went underground, right?” Bugs posits. Not hard to figure out, are these shows? Kind of makes you wonder why they bothered pretending that those little fuzz balls weren’t the same as those big honkin’ monsters in that other episode.

“Deep underground,” Zadavia answers. And if he was a probable threat, why has nobody done anything about him until now? Anyway she also knows about the jewel he stole, the Jade Serpent Crystal, “said to contain untold energy.” Said to? With all the ridiculous hyper technology on display in this show, that seems like something they could at least tell, even if they couldn’t tell what kind of energy or what they could do with it. Heck, it was in some kind of research lab when Dare stole it.

Zadavia warns them that if Dr. Dare figures out how to tap the jewel’s energy, “there’s no telling what he might do.” Yeah there is, it’ll have something to do with rocks. Also, it looks like Dare really meant to just steal the building with the jewel and all the ones around it collapsed into the ground by accident. Not exactly awestruck by this bad guy’s competence.

With the exposition dropped in our laps, it’s time to head out and stop the bad guy, with Bugs trotting out his usual line of “Let’s jet!” I thought that was some kind of play on how whenever he said that they’d fly out in their jetpacks, but here, as you’d expect, they hop into a handy drill tank instead.

Funny, I suddenly wish I was playing WURM instead.

They drive around underground with no indication whatsoever they know where they’re going until suddenly the vehicle’s grabbed by a bunch of rock monsters. One reaches in and grabs Lexi, leading to a not terribly impressive battle sequence. As soon as Lexi gets away from the monster with help from Daffy, she starts shooting lasers from her ears left and right, but didn’t think to turn to the one carrying her and try that.

I will admit this part had one attempt at humor that wasn’t completely terrible, with Bugs spouting off “What’s up, rock?”

Things reach something of a climax when one of the monsters throws Taz off a cliff, and Bugs, attacking it in a fit of rage, knocks it off the same cliff. Right on top of Taz, in fact. Way to avenge your teammate there, dumbass.

Through it all Wile E.’s been trying to get the drill thingy started again, and tries to hook up something to a battery but the cable’s too short. He completes the connection by using his own body and is fried in the process. Which is okay because his power is to heal. Which would’ve been a nice thing for the freaking show to explain.

Then Dr. Dare himself shows up, and as badly-written villains are wont to do, he explains his plan. Which is to drag everyone else underground while he lives on the surface. That’s kind of a new one for mole-man type villains, I’ll admit. It doesn’t really make any sense, but hey, he’s supposed to be crazy anyway. He then uses the jewel to bury the Loonatics’ drill vehicle, and commercial.

We return to Taz digging them out with his tornado powers, even though it’s a tunneling vehicle and digging through rock’s the whole point. Zadavia calls them and tells them that Dr. Dare’s doing exactly what he said he’d do, so they hurry back to the surface and find…the city gone and lots of people still standing around a rocky wilderness? Huh? The Loonatics hop on ATV’s that can apparently drive straight up sheer rock walls to get to Dare’s new castle, which literally has a giant green “come get me, heroes” beacon on top.

What is this, Loonatics or Biker Mice From Mars?

Some more rock monsters show up to get in their way, but as in many a badly-written show the bad guys get easier to beat the closer we are to the credits, and Lexi knocks the entire group off the mountain with one ear laser.

Dr. Dare says he thought he left the Loonatics buried, and Lexi hits him with “Haven’t you heard? Down is the new up.” Was that a joke? For real? Then what I have to admit is a not-terrible attempt at humor rears its head when Daffy says they’re going to stop him “stone cold.” That probably only worked because the only character I can stand said it.

Dare uses the jewel to encase them in crystal so he can keep them around as trophies. That is, in crystal up to their noses, so Bugs is free to shoot off some laser vision and hit the jewel, setting them free. Dare tries to run for it, and Lexi and Bugs decided to use some rehearsed acrobatic maneuver to cut him off (#29, if you care), even though he has  short legs and they could catch him anyway without any trouble. And it’s not as if any of the Loonatics can teleport.

Bugs and Dare have a sword fight that ends when Bugs reflects a beam that turns Dare to stone. Wile E. uses Dare’s crystal keyboard thing to somehow make the city come back, and I’m suddenly feeling like not watching this show anymore and playing some Torin’s Passage.

We started stupid, so let’s end stupid. It turns out the petrified villain’s been deposited in the middle of a freaking park for safekeeping. Oh yeah, nothing could possibly could wrong. At least it sounds like it wasn’t the Loonatics’ idea, but I can’t shake the feeling it was Zadavia’s…

Thrusts of Justice

Despite sounding like an awful superhero-themed porno, Thrusts of Justice is actually a surprisingly successful blend of comedy and action in a literary format that hasn’t seen any decent worthwhile output from seemingly anyone but John Green in a long time.

While you and some fellow unemployed journalists are BSing plans for the future over drinks, suddenly there’s a strange voice in the air warning of impending doom. Then all hell breaks loose as a supervillain explodes out of the side of a bank, a mech-suited space warrior saves the city from meteoric annihilation, while a grim avenger of the night looks on. Those journalist instincts kick in, and it’s just a question of who to follow, and whether you can really pull off a bit of world-saving on your first time out.

Actually, you probably won’t, because the cover isn’t kidding about how easily and often you’ll die in some over-the-top, sometimes silly way. This works well, though. Both because a lot of the endings are fairly amusing, and it makes a certain kind of sense if you think about it. After all, you’re nothing but a boozed-up former journalist who stumbled into a set of powers you barely understand just in time to have to prevent a global cataclysm with them. No, you probably aren’t any match for the psychotic, revenge-crazed archenemy of the previous owner of your heroic mantle, come to think of it. Even if it does feel a bit like playing I Wanna Be the Guy! after a few deaths.

On the other hand, I did like how the book seemed to be giving me a little respect for the progress I had made after making it a ways in and not meeting a horrible untimely death. Upon meeting other veteran metahumans, they start deferring to your judgment. Rather than feeling like the reason for that is because it’s an interactive book, it feels like you’ve earned the characters’ respect by doing well enough to get that far despite being a complete noob. As often as I was killed, that was rewarding.

The story’s divided into three sections depending on which particular power set you end up receiving. The basic plot behind the book is the same no matter which one you pick, but you’re only privy to certain parts of the story behind what’s going on in each particular section. This was a great motivator to keep reading, to thoroughly plumb each section for something more than just that rare ending where I actually pulled off saving the world.

Aside from the story, though, this managed to be a rare game book where I didn’t mind dying so much because the humor the book’s saturated with works more often than it doesn’t. I chuckled a lot, and a couple times I laughed out loud. I was even going to begin the review with a few of my favorite quotes, until I decided I’d rather let you read this and experience them for yourself. If I have to complain about anything, it’s that perhaps the author leaned a little too hard on getting drunk as a source of humor.

I mean, being a neophyte superhero up against harrowing odds could only be milked so much, sure, but it’s not even consistent. In one section you can find out one of your fellow unemployed journalists also got powers, and you have the choice of either going out and getting drunk to celebrate, or remembering that you’re a superhero now and should probably be out catching villains. In that same section you can run into a pair of retired heroes, and you don’t even get the choice to decline getting wasted with them.

I know, I’m not supposed to take it too seriously, but this same section of the book also brings up topics like the value of life of cloned beings, or the insane hosts of alien shock troopers. You can be funny and dramatic in the same work, but it seems a weird thing to do to combine boozer humor with who decides who’s worth mourning. Particularly since as we all know, superheroes don't drink. Especially when they're on duty.

Also, while there’s no multiple-X content despite the title, there is one part with a makeout session between a pair of retirement-age heroines.

But that said, on the whole I really did enjoy the book. The characters you meet are memorable, and a lot of them are silly and likable enough to add to the experience rather than detracting from it. It was a lot of fun working with a crotchety old lady with power on a par with Superman's, and I'll admit it, I even kind of started to like Ox when he stopped trying to beat my face in. It even includes the “geriatric superheroes” trope and dares to take it in a direction in search of humor other than "here's a bunch of superheroes who you'd expect to be all cool and strong, but they're actually old and decrepit." It has some great twists, I like how the background was revealed with different bits in its different sections, and I liked that you’re not forced to be a good guy. There’s one path where you can become a villain, and save the world to take it over yourself.

Highly recommended. More spoofs should strive to be like this.

Breaking Down, Book One: Bella, Chapters 2 - 5

Chapter 2 - Long Night (You’re Telling Me)

* Things open on Bella telling us how awesome it is to kiss someone like Edward, and how she still can’t believe he acts like she’s “the prize rather than the outrageously lucky winner.” Seriously? Still? It’s like she deliberately refuses to grow as a person.

“I never got over the shock of how perfect his body was -- white, cool, and polished as marble.” I’m sorry, but I don’t see the appeal of cuddling up with a statue. Could somebody explain that to me? Is it something you are or you aren’t?

* Then I get confused because Bella mentions how some kind of “glitch” in her brain keeps Edward out as much as she’d love to let him in. As if she does suddenly care about bringing new people up to speed. Also, you’re not fooling anyone, Steph. The only things wrong with Bella are the ones the characters never acknowledge.

* It turns out Edward’s skipping his bachelor party to be with her, kissing. I’m sorry but is that all they do? I bet if I got the chance to ask Meyer she’d say part of being a vampire is you don’t get bored with the things you enjoy anymore.

“Bachelor parties are designed for those who are sad to see the passing of their single days.” How enlightened of him. Of course if you didn’t want your single days to end, all you’d have to do is…not get married. Sounds like someone with the wisdom of ages, all right.

Then they discuss getting intimate, but Edward gets antsy because he’s afraid of hurting her. She assures him she’ll be fine, but her thoughts betray something other than faith: “He wasn’t getting out of this deal. Not after insisting I marry him first.” Yeah.

* More blathering about all the things and people Bella would be giving up by becoming one of the sparkly dead. Which is all perfectly valid, and not just hot air put in an attempt to create drama by an author who can’t stand to actually put her Sue in an uncomfortable spot.

Some more blather about how Bella isn’t entirely looking forward to finally meeting the Alaskan vampires at her wedding. Because they’re friends with the Cullens and are bound to be so beautiful and blah-de blah-de blah. Steph, if you honestly think I think Tanya’s going to say anything at all except Bella and Edward are the perfect couple and she couldn’t be happier to see this union taking place despite not even knowing the girl…

* Bella remembers Carlisle explaining to her the tragic history of the Alaskan vampires. I’m sure it’s all very heartfelt stuff, but you know what would be even better development for the peripheral characters? Not making them peripheral characters. And with how much they’ve been talked about as being the Cullens’ best buddies, it’s kind of mystifying we’re only about to see them for the first time, isn’t it?

Anyway, to explain this without recanting every single detail, their mother turned a little boy into a vampire. He was so beautiful and enchanting he couldn’t be resisted (because vampires are pretty. Have I ever told you that, Bella?) Because vampires are frozen in time, however, kids turned into vampires act exactly like hyperactive kids with awesome physical powers and the Volturi made it against the rules to let kids be vampires for the sake of their secrecy. So they had to kill the Alaskans’ mom along with the kid vampire.

Then Bella has some kind of dream or prophetic vision or something (I’m honestly curious whether her dreams about werewolves and this are meant to be visions or just Bella’s overactive imagination going into hyper drive. The chapter summary in the guidebook doesn’t even mention it). It’s of an impossibly beautiful child that she feels she must protect from the approaching Volturi, even though when she gets closer she sees him sitting atop the corpses of the kids from school we don’t care about, and Charlie and Renee. Yes, I’m sure something even remotely like that will happen.

If you guessed this was mainly awkward setup to involve the Volturi later, well…these books aren’t too hard to peg, are they?

Chapter 3 - Formality To The Saix

* Bella wakes up feeling “a little annoyed with myself. What a dream to have the night before my wedding!” Those kinds of dreams seem the norm for her. And if she’s annoyed thinking that, maybe it’s time to try to stop wallowing in her delusions of inadequacy? Somehow I don’t see that with Bella meeting Charlie over breakfast, and Charlie admitting that he has “the lesser ordeal” having to wear a tux because Alice is going to be dolling Bella up all day. And boy, don’t those girls sound like the best of friends?

Also for some reason it’s pointed out that “Charlie had taken the entire day off for the wedding”. Um, yeah? I can understand Charlie wanting to spend as little time with his daughter and the Cullens as possible, but I don’t think that’s what Steph meant. When my kids get married, I sure as hell don’t plan to only be there for a little while. Then again this is Bella thinking this, and all indicators point to her wanting this over with as soon as possible so she can finally get some nookie.

* After Alice works on Bella for a while, Rosalie shows up “in a shimmery silver gown with her gold hair piled up in a soft crown on top of her head. She was so beautiful it made me want to cry.” Then cry. Admit you’re a whiny little baby no matter what you’re dealing with after all.

Also, what the hell do I know about fashion design, but silver clothes always sound really chintzy when I read about them. “Piled” doesn’t sound the least bit glamorous, either.

* Most of the rest of the chapter is endless goings on meant to show everyone’s enjoying this but Bella. And all the luxurious crap being heaped on her for being alive.

Like Charlie and Renee present her with silver combs from her grandma. The jewels used to be paste, but for the occasion they were replaced with real sapphires. “Alice wouldn’t let us do anything else. Every time we tried, she all but ripped our throats out.”

So wait, who was shelling out for real sapphires? It almost sounds like Alice forced Bella’s parents to pay for it.


Also, yeah, Alice is definitely not Bella’s friend. Bella hates this dress up stuff, and Alice must know that, and she makes Bella indulge her because she knows Bella won’t say no and Edward thinks too much of her for some reason to make her lay off his girlfriend.

* As soon as she’s next to Edward, Bella’s mind goes numb, as usual, and she takes about a page and a half to sum up the entire ceremony, only really snapping out of it when it’s time to kiss. Then they kiss, and her obligation to Edward is fulfilled and she can get to the part she really wants. How romantic.

Chapter 4 - I Don’t Care What You Say, Jacob’s Not Your Best Friend. He’s Just A Bigger Doormat Than You Are To Keep Coming Back

* “It was just twilight over the river”. I see what you did there, Steph.

* On to the reception, and some of the Quileutes are in attendance. Bella thinks about their deal, that there would be peace only as long as the Cullens never created another vampire. “Before the alliance, it would have meant an immediate attack. A war.” Thank you for spelling that out. “But now that they knew each other better, would there be forgiveness instead?” Or would the Cullens say fnck it, pack up all their suitcases of money and move someplace a couple guys from a reservation in rain-soaked Washington state wouldn’t bother to pursue them? If it would bug the Quileutes that much, why do they only stay where they are and protect it from the vampires that happen to wander onto their territory? Maybe it’s just me being dubious about how damn special Bella is, but it seems kind of far-fetched to me that the Cullens vamping Edward’s wife would be what finally decides to make them go on the offensive and go chasing after vampires.

“As if in response to that thought, Seth leaned toward Edward, arms extend. Edward returned the hug with his free arm.” Sounds like you’re not even kidding yourself anymore, Steph. “Perhaps a stronger truce was on the horizon.” Again, why would the Cullens be so attached to this particular piece of ground except that simply leaving would be a copout unless the author was suddenly willing to make an effort? It’s official that they don’t just live in Forks, they move somewhere else when they’ve been in one place too long for their lack of aging to go unnoticed anymore.

* Mentions are made of Bella’s human “friends,” but you don’t care about that so let’s skip to the Alaskan’s. They don’t actually say Bella and Edward are the perfect couple, but they do happily accept Bella into their extended family, since they consider the Cullens part of their family (then why do they live so far apart?). They also apologize profusely for not helping to fight the newborns and don’t say why. See you later, Alaskans.

* Bella graciously dances with Charlie while “Edward and Esme spun around us like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.” Because lots of teens in the 21st century know who they are. I don’t mean Bella, I mean the target audience.

* Anyway she dances with Edward next and still refuses to believe how beautiful she is, until they look at a mirror and she sees “a dark-haired beauty at his side.” It’s only after laying out everything great about that beauty (the only thing Bella seems any good at) before she realizes it’s her. See?? She was beautiful all along! Which just makes all the denials that much more annoying. I’m just saying, even if you say over and over your character isn’t a Sue, that doesn’t mean they’re not. When has that stopped Steph yet, though?

* “Before I could blink and make the beauty turn back into me,” Edward reveals a surprise for her has shown up. Then suddenly she’s not dancing with him anymore, Jacob is. They get away somewhere private and soon they’re laughing and joking and Bella thinks she’s never done anything to deserve a friend like Jacob, so basically seeing what a beautiful person she is was pointless after all.

As always, though, things get sour when Jacob asks when she’s going to get turned into a vampire, she says probably after their honeymoon, and he implies it’s going to be a pretty lame honeymoon if hitting the sheets would kill her. He makes a crack about them spending the whole time playing checkers, but hell, that’d be something. All they freaking do is kiss and lounge around in each other’s arms. I don’t care who I’m with, I wouldn’t want to spend eternity just doing that.

Things get really ugly when he realizes she fully intends to bum chicka bow wow with Edward as a human. “You can’t be that stupid!” he demands. Uh, yeah she can, and yeah she is. Maybe Bella really is smart, but what’s the point of having something you never use?

Edward comes in and angrily demands Jacob get away from her, and the other Quileutes help break it up, even wolfing out. Are they somewhere with a backdoor they can sneak out of in their remaining rags?

Edward says they need to get back before anyone misses them, and Bella for her part asks herself how anyone could’ve missed that. “Then, as I thought about it, I realized the confrontation that had seemed so catastrophic to me had, in reality, been very quiet and short here in the shadows.” And that’s why I’m not involved in her problems, and don’t believe anything anyone says about her.

* Edward tries to calm her down. “Jacob is way too prejudiced to see anything clearly.”  Uh, Eddie? He got mad over something you’ve been worrying about too, which is how you’re going to please your wife in bed without turning her into a greasy smear. Maybe Edward didn’t hear the whole conversation, but with how super-awesome vampires have super-awesome senses, I doubt it.

And I will remind everyone that Meyer claims she writes these books for children, and they were talking about doing the bump and grind.

* Alice then interrupts and asks if they want to miss their plane. “I’m sure you’ll have a lovely honeymoon camped out in the airport waiting for another flight.” I’m a little surprised they’re not saying they own a private plane. Good surprise, though.

Sayeth Bella as they leave, “ ‘Thank you, Alice. It was the most beautiful wedding anyone ever had,’ I told her earnestly. ‘Everything was exactly right.’ ” Because Bella was totally paying attention to anything. Where’s the friendship between these two?

* Then it’s finally enough of this crap, and time for the honeymoon.

Chapter 5 - First Day Of Forever And Already They’re Arguing About How They Can Spend It

* They end up in Rio de Janeiro, and then we get this informed little tidbit.  “The taxi continued through the swarming crowds until they thinned somewhat, and we appeared to be nearing the extreme western edge of the city, heading into the ocean.” Because Meyer wanted to get all foreign and exotic but couldn't be bothered to learn the first thing about reading a map, apparently.

* After hopping in an insanely luxurious boat they cruise out into the ocean and Bella asks where they’re going. “ ‘A gift from Carlisle--Esme offered to let us borrow it.’ A gift? Who gives an island as a gift?” Someone annoyingly wealthy with no common sense? Come on, how many fake identities do you really want to keep up at the same time?

* “He set the suitcases on the deep porch to open the doors--they were unlocked.” It’s an island. Not exactly down the street from the Kwik-E-Mart.

Also, I don’t know about Bella, but it seems to me one of the major elements of committing crimes is having a dependable means of escape if you get caught, and there aren’t a lot of places to hide out on open water.

Even if you owned a private island, would you keep anything worth stealing there when you hardly ever go there? This is the first we’ve heard of Isle Esme, and it’s never once been brought to our attention that Carlisle and Esme disappeared for a few days with Bella not knowing where they went. Then again it’s not like Bella’s ever been a narrator worth her salt.

“The room was big and white, and the far wall was mostly glass--standard décor for my vampires.” And with the main reason they’re different, that makes total sense with lots of windows to let the sun in…

* “Had there ever been a honeymoon like this before? I kenw the answer to that. No. There had not.” Cuz yer so speshul. There’s never, EVER been another vampire who fell in love with a human and it played out like this.

Also, Bella complains of the heat. They have power at this place, as we’ll see, but no AC? Not even for the sake of keeping up appearances with the cleaning staff? And they have cleaning staff.

* Edward suggests a dip, but leaves Bella alone to prepare. She digs a little through her bags and “it came to my attention that there was an awful lot of sheer lace and skimpy satin in my hands. Lingerie. Very lingerie-ish lingerie, with French tags.” In a kids book.

Again, I fail to see how this is “clean”. You could make that claim if the scene was a little ambiguous (Bella and Edward are kissing then the lights fade out to them in the kitchen the next morning), but Meyer does everything BUT include the actual sex. Jacob gets angry at finding out Bella’s going to perform erotic acts that could kill her. Bella and Edward go skinny dipping. The morning after the bedroom’s destroyed and Bella feels like some kind of boneless organism. Alice packed lingerie for Bella, for crying out loud.

Eurlgh! Another girl bought racy underwear with Bella Swan in mind. To entice Edward Cullen into having sex with her. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

* So. She follows Edward out to the beach. They go skinny dipping. They talk some about how in love they are and how beautiful the other is. Then things head upstairs and take their course. Offscreen, but nonetheless, in a kids book.

* I could describe the morning after, but I already did, except for Bella’s bruises. Edward’s upset wit himself, but Bella of course sees no reason at all not to do that again exactly like they just did. I wouldn’t even mind if she was actually made out to be a wangsty, hormonal teen instead of anything but. Well, I probably would, but I’d at least give the books points for honesty.

She keeps insisting she’s happy about last night so much that she yells “Why can’t you just read my mind already? It’s so inconvenient to be a mental mute!” That’s a relatable problem! To have to resort to communicating your thoughts to your significant other like some kind of normal person!

“You are killing my buzz, Edward.”

* Edward asked Carlisle what making the beast with two backs was like for vampires, and was told not to take it lightly. “With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways.” Now just hold the damn phone. Which is it, frozen in time or alterable in permanent ways?

Jasper and Emmett told him it was like drinking human blood. “But I’ve tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent than that…” Stop me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like they’re trying to come to some kind of understanding. Maybe it’d help to take a somewhat objective look at things? Drop the smarmy hyperbole for once? “I don’t think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more.” Or we could just go along with the assumption that Bella and Edward are special snowflakes doing things nobody’s ever done in the history of forever.

“It was more. It was everything,” Bella adds. Okay now you just shut up, lady. You lost your virginity doing that. You don’t know nothing. This is like when she thought she knew everything in the midst of her first relationship with someone of the opposite sex in her entire life.

* They do seem to get over it and think about breakfast, but Bella has one last thought. “My skin marked up easily. By the time a bruise showed I’d usually forgotten how I’d come by it.” Wouldn’t that mean her bruises would appear more quickly, which would make her even more of a short attention-spanned idiot?

“I sat in one of the two metal chairs and started snarfing down the eggs.” Pardon me, but isn’t that “scarfing”? I admit I haven’t been a teenager in a while but I don’t think Meyer ever was. She comments this is pretty good considering he doesn’t eat. “Food Network,” he replies. Did they start watching after Bella started hanging around? I’m just asking because when they had dinner in the first one it seemed like it was the first time they’d actually used the kitchen since moving in. And while we’re on the subject, if they never cook, do they have an alibi for why the gas works never get any money from them?

And while we’re on the subject of secrecy, Bella asks where the eggs came from. “I asked the cleaning crew to stock the kitchen a first for this place.” I’m just saying, I got the impression the cleaners didn’t know about the vampire thing before coming by while Edward and Bella were there. But then I’ve never bought the Cullens’ act.

We go out on Edward promising never to hurt Bella again. So make her like you, dude. She’ll have all eternity to go to Dartmouth, and it’s not like the bribe put a noticeable dent in your checkbook. But if he did that we would’ve been spared the moronic wrap-up of this “saga.”

* Boy that was 75 pages well-spent.